UnNews:Trump hires O'Donnell
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Trump hires O'Donnell
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 8, 2016, 06:44:UTC)(
29 December 2006
New York, NY - Real estate tycoon and purveyor of pornography Donald (“The Donald”) Trump hired sometimes-funny comedienne Rosie (“The Lesbian Bitch from Hell”) O”Donnell to write one-liners about herself for him to use in his attacks against her on network and cable television “news” shows.
Although he has called O’Donnell “stupid” and “a loser,” saying that she is “ugly” and that he “pities her girlfriend, Kelli Carpenter, for having to have sex with a face like Rosie’s,” Trump’s jibes are more personal than witty, and his advisors, chief of whom is the hilarious Bill O’Reilly, have unanimously pleaded with the businessman to hire a comedy writer who knows O’Donnell well enough to make some truly amusing jokes at the “fat lesbo cow’s expense.”
“Who better to hire to attack Rosie O’Donnell than Rosie O’Donnell?” Trump asked, answering his own question a moment later: “No one, that’s who.”
Trump has agreed to pay O’Donnell “an undisclosed amount,” he says, for the material that she writes. “The more abusive her humor, the more bucks she earns,” he said. He is the one who determines how abusive and, therefore, how valuable each quip is to be considered. “She gets anything from five grand to a hundred thousand smackers,” Trump confided. “She’s a money-hungry bitch,” he added, “so she’s been quite satisfyingly hurtful to herself. She’s even involving her boss, my dear friend Barbara Walters, and her girlfriend, husband, wife, or whatever Rosie’s calling the other woman.”
As part of the deal, O’Donnell, the moderator of Walters’ television talk show, The View, must utter a witticism at the end of every show. Some of the choicest, according to Trump, are:
- "Donald Trump hired me to train Miss USA how to kiss ass. He wants someone who is skilled in this practice, so, naturally, he thought of me" (paid $20,000).
- "I’m getting so fat that Donald Trump stuck a flag in my belly and claimed me as an American territory" (paid $25,000)
- "After sparring with Donald Trump, I go home to let Kelli lick my wounds" (paid $50,000).
- "Kelly got me a merkin, which is what they call a pubic wig on Rodeo Drive. Now, below the waist, I look just like Donald Trump" (paid $100,000).
The feud has been beneficial for both Trump and O’Donnell, but O’Donnell’s sense of humor has given her the edge in one-liners until now. Trump’s big bucks are giving him the victory over O’Donnell in their ongoing War of the Words. As Trump has said, O’Donnell is a loser, but she’s a very well-paid loser.
- Rosie Trump "Rosie writes riveting jokes at her own well-paid expense". Trump Towers Library for the Illiterate, December 29, 2006