UnNews:True origin of Reed Richards revealed
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
16 January 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
NEW YORK, NY - During a recent interview, one-time Marvel Comics editor Stan Lee revealed, for the first time, the true origin of Reed Richards (a. k. a. Mr. Fantastic), the leader of the Fantastic Four.
According to the “official” account, Richards, along with his former college roommate, Ben Grimm, and his future wife, Susan Storm, and her younger brother, Johnny, was caught in a cosmic storm while testing a spaceship he’d designed. The cosmic radiation somehow gave him the ability to stretch his body or any part thereof, like a poor man’s version of Quality Comics’ Plastic Man.
Sometimes, as Mr. Fantastic, Richards would stretch his abdomen into a thin, sail-like rectangular surface; other times, he’d reach a distance of 20 or 30 feet to retrieve a test tube or some other object. Bullets would bounce off his trampoline-like chest, harmlessly--unless their ricochet happened to wound or kill an innocent bystander.
The others were also affected by the cosmic radiation. Grimm’s skin turned orange and took on the density and texture of rocks. He also acquired super strength. Susan was able to make herself invisible at will and to project invisible force fields and barriers. Johnny became a living firebrand and was able to fly or fire flaming missiles, calling himself the Human Torch.
The real origin of Richards, though, had nothing to do with cosmic rays. Lee, who had always been concerned that his three-inch penis might be “undersize. . . was always experimenting with pills, diets, exercises, gizmos, gadgets, and other nonsense,” artist Steve Ditko confided.
One of these gadgets (or maybe it was a gizmo), Ditko recalls, was a penis pump. “He’d use that thing as he wrote about superheroes of enormous strength, stamina, vigor, and virility, and pretend he was Spider-man, the Hulk, or, sometimes, the Thing. His attempts to lengthen his member led him to the idea of having Reed Richards, as Mr. Fantastic, develop amazing elasticity. At first, he was fantastic only in his nether regions, but the company’s censors made him change Richards’ flexibility from there to everywhere, so he could stretch any and all parts of his body.”
Other attempts by Lee to lengthen his penis resulted in other superpowers for other superheroes, Ditko told Lies. “He tried it all--cosmetics, pills, jelqing and clamping, stretching and hanging, injections, inflatable implants, beading, everything; from his psychoneurotic obsession with the length of his manhood came such powers as Captain America’s enhanced human abilities, courtesy of injections with a secret super serum; Iron Man’s armor; Dr. Strange’s mystical powers; and Ant Man’s eventual transformation into Giant Man. It’s all very phallic, preposterous, and pathetic.”
When advised of Ditko’s assertions, Lee said, “He’s the one who should have written the comic book scripts; he’s more imaginative than I ever was or could be.”
- Lotta Lies "It’s not how long he makes it, it’s how he makes it long"". Instant News, 8 seconds ago