UnNews:Troop Cell Phone Left in Iraq

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6 January 2012

Sanddesert

Sources confirm hearing the phone ring out here somewhere.

BAGHDAD, Iraq -- Upon returning to a hero's welcome in the United States, Lt. George "Clunch" Masterson realized that he had left his iPhone behind in Iraq during the final troop drawdown in late December.

"This is a total bummer," said Masterson, even as he continued to look through his things. "Now all my friends are going to be annoyed at me for not returning their calls."

Tantalizing hints have arisen to the phone's locations, but hope of recovery seems vague. Numerous natives have reported to the UnNews Baghdad Bureau of hearing "Hungry Like the Wolf" playing on otherwise silent nights in the desert, corresponding roughly to 11:30 a.m. EST in Masterson's hometown of Baltimore.

"That'll be my girlfriend," Masterson said. "But she always hangs up before the Iraqis can find the phone. I keep telling her to just call my landline to make lunch plans."

As time goes by, hopes are dimming for the recovery of the phone, which Masterson said "probably fell out of [his] pocket or something dumb like that." Each call to the phone further drains its battery. Based on his reports of frequency of missed calls reported to him by irritated friends, Masterson's phone is believed to have only half an hour of battery life left, assuming it was fully charged at the time of loss. If his sister Gwen, whose ring tone is "Wild Thing," insists on continuing to call the lost phone, it may already be too late.

As of press time, Masterson had abandoned hope and was seen grimly logging on to Facebook. His only activity was playing Farmville.

BREAKING NEWS:

Rovio Mobile Ltd. has just announced that a recent high score for the game Angry Birds had been set and its location was traced to Bagdahd, Iraq.

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