UnNews:Triumph for "common sense" as Health and Safety officers prevent young family from being saved from inferno
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
8 July 2009
HEALTH AND SAFETY CAMPAIGNERS have hailed the decision to call back fire fighters from saving a trapped mother and children from a burning tower block. Firemen were "moments" from "being able to do what we're fucking paid for" before diligent health and safety officers decided to "play it safe" and call them back from the building "due to the increased danger from uncontrolled flames and smoke in the building and the prospect that "carefully formulated" health and safety laws were about to be broken.
When asked whether it was not the fireman's job to try and control said flames and smoke, and indeed risk their lives in order to save a trapped mother and children, health and safety campaigner Jon Carrfool was uncompromising: "What do you think would have happened had a fireman tripped and sprained his ankle? I'll tell you what would have happened: A multi-thousand pound lawsuit thats what!"
"There have been too many instances over the last couple of years where people have run rough-shod over health and safety advice, ignoring plainly stipulated risk aversion strategies, simply in order to save lives! This reckless attitude has to stop!"
When it was finally deemed safe to go back in, firemen were unsurprised to find the bodies of the very people they were about to save, "I was fucking livid", said one unnamed fireman, "I've trained and practiced for just such a job and those stupid cocks in suits deem it a bit risky! "
"I mean WHAT THE F*CK is all our fire retardant suits, oxygen masks and axes for. To be at the forefront of the latest fashions? Jesus, this isn't even funny!"
Mr Carrfool, who had just finished pissing on a grave, finished by saying that "My priority is to ensure the letter of health and safety dictates are upheld, even if it costs lives."
"I mean what on earth is the point of me and my ilk if these laws are ignored."