UnNews:Tribal Shamans Report Record Totem Animal Shortages
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Tribal Shamans Report Record Totem Animal Shortages
Straight talk, from straight faces
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 11:22 (UTC)
28 April 2006
edit Tribal Representatives Report Record Totem Animal Shortages
Flagstaff, AZ -- Representatives for the Hopi and Navajo nations reported late Monday that the supply of totem animals necessary for tribal shamans to perform religious ceremonies is at an all-time low.
"It is a terrible tragedy," says Navajo tribe member James Blackhorse, "At one time totem animals were plentiful and answered willingly to the calls of our medicine men. Now there are so few totem animals left that they can barely even locate a single fox or wolf to speak with."
Some researchers into the strange shortage blame "furries" as the primary cause.
"Furries are individuals who wish to change their culture and species due to an insatisfaction with their own human identities," explains Dr. Matthew Herbert, a professor of theology at UCLA. "They have become so self-convinced of their own animal nature that some have begun to co-opt elements from traditional Native American beliefs in order to assure themselves that they are indeed 'watched over' by their favorite kind of animal. There is no actual religious significance to their claims, but the furries certainly do love telling everyone about their alleged totem animals."
Individuals in the furry community have denied that their use of totem animals is in any way related to the shortage, but tribe representatives remain unconvinced.
"This is just another example of the white man stealing things that are sacred to the nations of the Southwest," comments James Blackhorse. "They have no religious interest in totems, they're more fascinated with cartoons. They only want to get attention because they are bored and can't relate to society in normal terms, and they don't understand what it's doing to us. How would they feel if we were to take Minerva Mink, or perhaps Gadget from the Rescue Rangers away from them? I think it would certainly put the whole matter into perspective for them."
Negotiations are underway between furry community representative Stephen Wilson of Des Moines, Iowa, who chooses to use his "spirit name" of "Yiffster_Foxywolfsquirrel" and the Navajo and Hopi nations to settle this matter as soon as possible.