UnNews:Tree falls in a forest, nobody around to hear it
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Tree falls in a forest, nobody around to hear it
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 27, 2016, 16:55:UTC)(
16 January 2009
It is a well known fact that the country has an unusual law in which making a sound is declared a crime, and the punishment is usually rape and death in no particular order; however, in this case, the question remains open about whether the tree actually made a sound or not. The police department have enlisted a team of experienced philosophers to aid them with their ongoing investigation.
Shortly after the press conference in which the police had announced the involvement of philosophers (conducted within a Cone of Silence, naturally), opposition had been raised by the Silent Hillan Group of Scientists about whether the philosophers were really the right group to give the right answer, or the wrong answer for that matter.
"Sound is just vibrations in the air," one scientist claimed, "so surely, the kinetic energy of the falling tree must have been converted to some degree into sound upon its falling. You damn philosophers don't know brown squishy stuff!"
The philosophers rebutted, "Vibrations are vibrations, so isn't sound only sound when there is a mind to perceive it?"
"Shut up! Sound is energy, and you can't defy the law of conservation of energy!"
And so on, they fought until the Cone of Silence was fixed. The police investigation team has only recently employed the scientists to work with the philosophers to solve the case, but they haven't spoken to each other since. However, a splinter group broke off to do some testing. Several of the members are now learning how to be a tree, and will soon branch out to falling down on the floor, and then in a forest. Advanced twigonometry techniques will be employed thereafter, at which point they will be able to test the aforestated hypothesis if they are not thoroughly stumped, in which case they will make a trunk call across the Atlantic to the Great Atlantic and Pacific Tree Institute. In line with the law, the science-supporters applauded this decision with one hand.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|