|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
20 December 2009
WACKEN, Michigan -- According to Dr. Leonard Snellmacher of University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, "either deer are evolving a higher intelligence in response to hunting by humans, or deer hunters are becoming increasingly stupid." This is in response to hundreds of confirmed tree-climbing deer sightings across the northern mid-western United States.
Since 2002, there has been a surge in reports of deer doing unusually clever things to avoid predation by rednecks, including raccoon imitation, rock throwing and tree climbing. Unconfirmed stories of hunters have deer throwing hand grenades, but this is highly unlikely.
In a related story, big game hunters who use automatic weapons to fell their prey are complete pussies. The results of a ten year comprehensive study of deer hunters from redneck towns have been published today in Scientific American magazine.
Professor Heinrich Scholtov of University of Michigan at Ann Arbor, headed up the research. He gave UnNews this liberal-spin summary of the conclusions he's drawn from his years of work; "We monitored almost 500 deer hunters from season to season, and correlated hunting behavior with certain personality types. We found that most hunters enjoy a challenge, and have some concept of a level playing field. These include bow and single-shot rifle hunters."
"Astonishingly, we found a relationship between hunters using overwhelming firepower such as high-powered, rapid fire automatic weapons, with socially undesirable behaviors. These include being a loud-mouthed, drunken, bar-brawling, woman-hitting, sister-fucking pussy. Other correlations are low literacy, extra toes, webbed fingers, uncanny expertise in playing one song on a banjo, and a dislike of brown people."