UnNews:Transfer of Abu Ghraib prison to Iraqis starts "New Era of Torture"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
2 September 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BAGHDAD, Iraq -- The United States military transferred control of the notorious Abu Ghraib prison to Iraqis on Saturday, marking the next transition in phasing out American presence in the country. "We firmly believe Iraqis are fully capable of torturing their citizens properly on their own," announced Lt. Col. Keir Kevin Curry during the transfer ceremony. "Despite sectarian differences, the Shiites, Sunnis, and Kurds all really got together on this one - everyone loves a little torturing," he added.
Iraqi prison officials are confident they have all the necessary torturing skills. "Under Saddam's rule, our main technique was testicle electrocution," explained government spokesman Ali al-Dabbagh, "but the Americans taught us a large variety of other methods in the past few years." Guards were trained in a rigorous program designed by Army military police, guided by star torturer Lynndie England. The training was thoroughly documented with photographs for future reference.
Abu Ghraib was cleaned and restocked before the takeover, and now contains a fresh arsenal of torturing tools. On a tour of the facility, reporters were shown shiny new whips, electrodes, and water boards. The facility even has a new electric chair, powered by a gasoline generator - so it can work even during Baghdad's frequent blackouts. An array of vicious guard dogs was also paraded in front of spectators.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki attended the ceremony and said in his speech that the monumental moment in history marked the start of a "New Era of Torture" in Iraq. He promised that Abu Ghraib would maintain its status as "the preeminent torture facility in the world." Joining via videophone, President Bush praised Iraqis for the transfer, saying this was a significant step in withdrawing American influence and promoting Democracy. "Banning gay marriage will be the next step," he added.
At the official moment of transfer, Maj. Gen. Jack Gardner, Commander of Task Force 134, pressed a buzzer that ceremonially administered a mild 0.012 milliAmpere electrical shock to all of the prison's inmates. Iraqi General Hasan al-Baraqua then pressed a second button, which delivered a higher 1.75 Ampere shock, symbolizing the increased power of the Iraqi prison system. An inmate wanting to maintain anonymity later commented that he could "really feel - both figuratively and literally - that changes are coming." He subsequently felt an additional shock of 100 Amperes as punishment for talking to the media.