UnNews:Transfats found to be healthy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
16 April 2007
NEW YORK, New York - In a new medical study, transfats have been found to be beneficial. Transfats, at first, were thought to be unhealthy, causing many harmful effects such as heart disease. The study was secretly funded by McDonalds, who feared that they were going to be put out of buisnees because of the false idea of transfats.
One McDonalds' representative said, "All of our food contains transfats, even our salad. These lies about transfats have put our business off, but now the truth has set us free. Can I get a hallelujiah from the amen corner!?!"
The study, with its top team of McDonalds' employees, researched transfats. They fed it to many animals and studied the effects. The animals didn't seem to mind eating massive amounts of transfats and complied peacefully. Over a period of six months, the effects of transfats proved beneficial to the animals.
Ronald McDonald, the chief scientist, provides us with some inside coverage of this study. "We mostly performed our evil transfat experiments on turtles, as they were plentiful and have a large appetite, and allowed us to see the cumulative effects of transfats rapidly. At first, after a month of transfats as their only diet, the turtles stopped moving and were larthagic. But after a day or two, they were up and running. Their hearts were considerably stronger, able to pump massive amounts of blood. Their eyesight improved to 20/20, up from an average 20/100. Their muscle mass significantly improved, making them extremely strong and rendering steroids useless. Further studies show that transfats inscrease your life span by twenty years, help you lose weight, and fight cancer and the common cold."
Another McDonald's employee said "We may take legal action against those who wrongfully said that transfats were unhealthy, especially Subway. Our highest calorie count for our food is 600, not 5000, which is five times as more. McDonald's also fills you up, no matter what others say. McDonald's urges you to consume as much transfats to ensure that you can have a very happy and healthy lifestyle. We are adding our food to the food pyramid. The pyramid will now have a new section, with McDonald's food, as our food contains the most transfats out of any other foods. Remember to eat McDonald's for all your meals for a health and well-balanced diet."
With the news spreading, the ban of transfats in New York City has been lifted, where everyone is now free to consume transfats. This study has been the most beneficial to mankind out of all studies done. We can now live much longer and happier lives, thanks to McDonalds. Yes indeed, we are lovin' it.
Ronald McDonald's speech on transfats, available soon on this page, for you to put on your iPod and spread the word.
There will be more links for further McDonald's researching. Remember, the truth is devastating.