UnNews:Transcript - UnNews interview with OJ Simpson
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Transcript - UnNews interview with OJ Simpson
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 20, 2017, 15:40:UTC)(
22 July 2007
NEVER NEVER LAND, FLORIDA -- UnNews reporter Noah Fence was recently able to gain an exclusive interview with OJ Simpson. The full transcript follows:
Fence: Thank you, Mr Simpson. We really appreciate you agreeing to this interview
Simpson: Oh, its no problem Noah. Double jeopardy means that I can talk about the double murder all I want. Oops... I mean the real killer
Fence: But seriously... Let's start with the Michael Vick situation. What are you feelings?
Simpson: Well, Vick is in a lot of trouble. The public will tolerate a football player who kills his ex-wife. I mean, how many people out there would like to kill their ex, right? But a football player who kills dogs? Sorry, but this guy's going to jail.
Fence: Do you have an advice for him?
Simpson: Oh yeah. Get the best mouthpiece you can afford. That's what saved my butt. It also helps if you talk a lot about racism. And do something to catch the public's imagination. I know car chases seem passe, but you can never go wrong with a classic.
Fence: You recommend a televised car chase, then?
Simpson: Absolutely! You've got to spice it up, though. They don't make Broncos anymore. I'd stay away from SUV's altogether. Vick should use a hybrid for his chase. He'll get more sympathy with something that is environmentally friendly. I'd recommend a cell phone interview with Fox News, also. Don't go with CNN or MSNBC. Nobody watches that crap anymore.
Fence: OK, so to more personal matters... How are you finances?
Simpson: That's a bad subject. I've got to hide all of my money. It helps a lot to have creative accountants. I'm not worried, though. They still pay my green's fees and keep a separate book to show the IRS.
Fence: Have you been able to get over the situation with your book, "If I Did It"?
Simpson: I'm really hurt by that whole episode. As you know, the Goldman family legally stole the rights to it and are talking about a movie deal. The worst of it is, they're going to rename the movie "Confessions of a Double Murderer". Now, that really hurts. Do you know how much work it took my ghost writer to make that book? Who do they think they are to just change the title at random? Artists have no creative license anymore!
Fence: Any thoughts on who you'd like to have play you in the movie?
Simpson: That's a tough one. Denzel Washington would be nice. He's got the build of a murderer and he looks sneaky enough. I wouldn't mind Will Smith, either. He did a great job with Mohammed Ali.
Fence: Do you ever wonder what posterity will say about you?
Simpson: Oh, I don't have to. Everybody knows I did it. That's what they'll say
Fence: Well, thank you for giving us the time for this interview.
Simpson: No problem Noah. Time is all I have!
- Noah Fence "[www.bullshittersanonymous.com A bullshitter tells his side]". UnNews, July 22, 2007