UnNews:Tragedy At Easter Egg Hunt As Cheney Shoots Easter Bunny
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Tragedy At Easter Egg Hunt As Cheney Shoots Easter Bunny
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, June 28, 2017, 05:46:UTC)(
17 April 2006
(Washington, DC) The annual White House Easter egg hunt turned bloody on Monday when Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot the Easter Bunny in the face. The tragic incident occurred at 11am, three hours into the hunt. Secret service agents rushed to help the injured Bunny, and the vice president's medical team administered CPR. The animal was airlifted to Bambi Memorial Veterinary Hospital in Washington, where his condition is critical, but stable.
Veterinarian Kevin Browning described the Easter Bunny's injuries at a hastily arranged news conference, "The left side of his face was grazed by the shot pellets, with at least one penetrating deep into the skull. An emergency operation to retrieve the bullets was succesful, but the Bunny may never regain hearing in his left ear. An IV drop with pure chocolate will help the animal recover, but at the moment he is in an egg-induced coma." The Vice President was very apologetic over the accident, but pundits say that the Bunny is partially to blame, as he didn't follow standard hunting protocol. Cheney supporter Richie Rich claims, "the Easter Bunny should have announced his presence to the fellow hunters; he was standing in front of one of the hidden eggs, and thus was legitimately in the line of fire."
An anonymous partygoer graphically described the event: "The vice president drove up, approaching the pre-placed eggs. The eggs were placed in an inescapable tangle of brush, so escape was impossible. Dick cocked the weapon and placed the butt of the weapon against his shoulder. He aimed at the egg, but then had a heart attack. This caused him to jerk, taking aim at the defenseless rabbit instead of the pre-hidden egg. He pulled the trigger and BAM! The rabbit was hit and fell down. He didn't stand a chance."
First lady Laura Bush, who was the master of ceremonies at the hunt, said Mr. Cheney got a little confused as to the nature of the event. "He didn't want to just search for the hidden eggs - he wished to literally hunt them down," she explained. Authorities are considering revoking Cheney's gun permit because this is just the most recent in a series of accidental shooting he has been involved in. After accidentally peppering lawyer friend Harry Whittington earlier this year, the vice president's shooting mistakes skyrocketed - this according to highly reliable sources such as The Onion, Saturday Night Live, amateur internet websites, and late night talk show hosts. Daily Show host Jon Stewart commented that, "You would think the joke got old by now - but it's still got a little juice going."
The scene at the site of the incident - the Great Lawn in front of the White House - was sheer pandemonium after the shooting. Secret service agents sprung into action as little kids and their parents ran around screaming. Little Timmy was heard yelling, "What will happen to the Easter Bunny? Will there be no Easter next year?" The event was immediately halted, with only 65% of the eggs having been found by then. The future of the ceremony is in doubt, especially since this is the 2nd incident in as many years. The 2005 Egg Hunt was marred after confused Secret Service agents thought one of the hidden eggs was a "suspicious package" and had it exploded using a special robot.
White House press secretary Scott McClellan refused to comment on the incident, instructing reporters to "please direct all questions to the Easter Bunny's press office." But a phone message left there went unanswered, and the answering machine revealed that "Spokesperson Energizer Bunny is recharging his batteries."
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