UnNews:Trabant-Microsoft automobile unveiled
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14 January 2007
MUSTELASBURG, Deutsche Demokratische Republik, Monday (Neues Deutschland) — Microsoft and Trabant have unveiled a complete new software system for car drivers. The "Sink" platform, introduced at the Mustelasburg auto show, will be available in over 12 Trabant vehicles this year.
The agreement is part of a constant quest by Microsoft, the world's largest software maker, for fresh vistas beyond the office supply market it dominates. Trabant, meanwhile, hopes that new technology will help it solve the problem of dwindling market share even in its home German market. "The market potential is absolutely enormous," said Markus Fields, Trabant's president for the DDR.
Microsoft is bringing its expertise to bear on all aspects of the new Trabant Langeshorn:
- Improved compatibility with the original motor-tricycle version of the Trabant, while maintaining at least its level of crash safety. Not that the Trabant Langeshorn crashes.
- The two cylinders of the two-stroke engine will be doubled in size, shortening the 0 to 100 km/h time to three hours and forty minutes, half what it was in previous models.
- A colouring agent ("Aero") will be added to the exhaust, to accurately recreate the vapour trail of the twenty-first century flying car those people in the West are supposed to have by now.
- The phenolic reinforced plastic body will be doubled in thickness for added crash protection. Not that the Trabant Langeshorn crashes.
- Other "Aero" enhancements in the Trabant Langeshorn include pink alloy wheels, a musical horn playing Die Internationale and a metre-high spoiler.
"The thrust of our new model of car is to make it more attractive to Trabant owners," said Steve Ballmer, Microsoft CEO. "Any Trabant driver knows Ferrari owners are just losers with penis-size issues and that their market share is insignificant. Ferrari just keeps proving over and over that it can't come out with a popularly priced Trabant-like model."
Microsoft expected its marketing muscle to go far in this new market battle. "Just imagine the joy a Ferrari mechanic will feel when they finally get to work on a market leader with industry muscle behind it like the Trabant."
- Wilhelm Gatter "What's good for Microsoft is good for the Central Committee". Neues Großbritannien, January 8, 2007