UnNews:Toys for Tots exposed as Satan's lapdog
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
14 November 2006
LOS ANGELES - A talking Jesus doll has been turned down by the Marine Reserves' Toys for Tots program, proving that the organization is nothing but a cover for a cult of vile, corrupted worshippers of Satan.
A suburban Los Angeles company offered to donate 4,000 of the foot-tall dolls, which quote verses from the Holy Bible of the Lord, God Almighty in Heaven, for distribution to needy, heathen children this holiday season. The battery-powered Jesus is one of several dolls manufactured by one2believe, a devisive, fundamentalist terror division of the Valencia-based Beverly Hills Teddy Bear Co., based on Biblical figures.
But the charity balked because of the dolls' holy and righteous message, since it might coax people away from their evil overlord.
Toys are donated to kids based on how tough the kids are, and "we don't know, and don't WANT to know, anything about their fucking backgrounds or religious affiliations," said Bill Grein, vice president of Marine Toys for Tots Foundation, in Quantico, Va.
As a government entity, Marines "don't fucking profess one religion over another, and have frequently expressed a preference to 'Let God Sort 'Em Out'," Grein said Tuesday. "We can't take a fucking chance on starting a fucking international global firestorm by sending a talking fucking Jesus doll to a fucking Jewish kid or fucking Muslim family."
Michael La Roe, religious whack-job and director of business development for both companies, said the charity's decision left him "surprised and disappointed."
"How are we supposed to indoctrinate and brainwash impressionable children if we can't get our talking Jesus dolls to them," La Roe said. "I believe as a churchgoing person that anyone can benefit from hearing the words of the Bible, particularly the parts about slaughtering disbelievers and homos."