UnNews:Toxic gas latest insurgent weapon
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22 February 2007
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BAGHDAD, Iraq (UNN) - Deadly methane gas from the arse of Iraqi insurgents, fueled by their explosive diarrhea is having deadly consequences for Iraqi civilians and coalition troops alike. A gas attack took place earlier this week in Baghdad which killed 12 and wounded dozens others. Survivors of the initial attack were overcome with fumes and needed to be treated with oxygen masks.
This latest attack is further evidence of the escalation of the conflict in Iraq. In addition to the Iraqi insurgency that is battling the United States military, different factions within Iraq have been battling each other for control after the fall of Saddam Hussein. The battle between Sunni and Shiite militias really got underway after a sacred Shiite shrine was defacated on by Sunni insurgents. Enraged, Shiite muslims under the command of Moqtada al-Shitter launched a counterinsurgency against the Sunnis. Iraq's third faction, the Turds, have stayed out of the Shiite-Sunni battle for the most part.
Defence Secretary Bill Gates is not certain where insurgents are being supplied the ingriedients to make these deadly chemicals but he believes that the government of Iran may be responsible. Packages of X-Lax found on a Baghdad street have been traced to a pharmacy in Tehran. X-Lax allows insurgents to produce a toxic brown substance from their arse as well as deadly methane gas. Upon hearing Gates mentioning Iran, President George W. Bush had this to say "Alright, now we have an excuse to invade Iran". "Mr. President this is live" said one reporter. "What I meant to say is this now proves what we've been saying all along and I think it gives us reason to intervene in Iran" replied the president.
Vice President Cock Cheney says that "The enemy in Iraq is evolving but so are we. Our bitches.. er I mean friends up in Canada have given us access to their own supply of deadly gas. With this deadly supply of chemical weapons the insurgents won't know what hit them". The deadly ammo that Vice President Cheney is referring to is the shit infested water of Halifax and Glace Bay Harbour in Nova Scotia as well as toxic waste from the Sydney tar ponds. Cheney denies that Canadians were forced into supplying the chemicals to America to make up for their defiance of the US invasion. "Uh no no of course not, America would never pressure Canada into doing something it didn't want to" said Prime Minister Stephen Harper while being stared down by Bush during a joint press conference between the two leaders in Washington. Bush says with Harper's co-operation, "World Domination.. er. Iraqi Liberation will be inevitable".