UnNews:Totally random news groups 'PIss off Bush'
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Totally random news groups 'PIss off Bush'
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 17:56 (UTC)
25 September 2008
England - London While on a secret peace keeping mission with long time rival nation England, President George W. Bush was "viciously attacked" by a group of local media groups. According to various sources inside the Republican party, four journalist 'brandishing really big cameras' and 'dangerous looking' tape recorders were seen running towards the President eagerly at approximately 3:00 AM this morning. Officials made no comment on the President's health but speculation by the four reporters is that the President suffered a major Heart Attack when confronted with the reporters leading to a direct and almost fatal infection of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). The four reporters were detained until 3:12 in the morning creating public outcry from many Humanitarian groups saying the group of reporters were "treated unfairly" and that the Secret Service "should be locked away for life". Despite such complaints, the journalists involved in the incident seemed shocked and perplexed by such outcries saying in response that they were okay and thanked the groups for trying to make them feel better.
The total extent of the incident was witnessed by no less then the entire Secret Service protection unit of the President which includes 42 agents in total. The lead agent had this to say at 3:13: "The President has been flown home immediately and taken to a secure military bunker where he will be safe for the time being. Having witnessed what happened i can conclude that four unknown assaliants came at the President with unknown and foreign objects. When asked to lower the weapon, the four suspects responded with rapid fire British languages which were undistinshable. At that point the President lost it and shouted "I want you to kindly leave me be" to which the suspects pressed on, shoving weapons in his face." Despite the comment, the four journalists, part of a group known as the TRNG, say they were just asking why the President was "In an allied nation" under the pretense of a peace keeping operation. The argument has, at its peak this morning of about 3:15, sparked mass debates on virtually any subject with any relation to media or media affairs forcing every news studio in the world to be shut down within the space of two minutes. Throughout the "terrifying ordeal" says CNN reporter Chuck Doofus, three media related stars were tragically killed by looters and assaliants brandishing "real weapons" with intent to kill. Among the dead is unpopular Mythical Creature and long time associate of the TRNG Ben Stiller who was shot four hundred times before falling down in a slow motion which took three hours to complete causing several other stunned passerby's to be hit by trucks and cars.
With the President of America (A country located over the Atlantic Ocean) safe at home the public can be reassured that everything is okay and not to panic, despite earlier reported "Panic attacks" at 3:01 by Dick Cheney and Darth 'Maul' Rice in the Pentagon. This incident is pending investigation by the RIAG (Ridiculous incident Affairs group) as of 3:18 and is expected to be fully wrapped up by 3:22 and a full three page report (covering a title page with pictures, a contents page) to be handed in to the Secret Service who will then destroy the report before reading it. With mass fear spreading amongst the many, many rooms of the Pentagon one can only wonder how badly the world has already been effected, some saying it already has and blaming the World Economy crisis on the attack and other issues like 9/11 and the day Bush was elected, this major event is bound to hit everyone in the world hard, esspecially those in the North and East Hemispheres.