UnNews:Torture report: ‘Cheney’s full of crap’

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Torture report: ‘Cheney’s full of crap’

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11 December 2014

No-can-do

Conclusion: Don’t believe anything unless they deny it?

WASHINGTON – A damning Senate panel's report on U.S. interrogation tactics used during George W. Bush's abomination stated unequivocally that former Vice President Dick Cheney is “deeply flawed” and a “terrible piece of work.”

“The man is full of crap,” the report bluntly stated when it was reviewed out loud by political pundit Jon Stewart on Wednesday evening.

But Cheney, who was Bush's vice president-in-chief and puppeteer, insisted that the Central Intelligence Agency's medieval torture tactics -- which the report said included boiling in oil, reverse-compression in the Rack, diligent use of Pit-and-Pendulum, mock drawing-and-quartering, iPhone deprivation, and forced listening to Avenged Sevenfold love ballads - all helped the United States “catch the bastard who killed 3,000 of us on 9/11.”

Somehow the thought of three thousand Dick Cheney’s dying at once seems strangely gratifying and patriotic, if not downright erotic.

“It did in fact produce objectionable intelligence, but that was of no real use in the success of keeping the country in the dark about the attacks,” he said. “In particular, we were able to ascertain that Osama was no longer under our care in Abu Dhabi and had been cured of renal failure by the grace of the profit.”

Asked specifically about Osama’s kidney dialysis detailed in the report, Cheney said: “I don't know anything about that specific torture – but it obviously isn’t a problem anymore.”

Cheney said he hadn't actually read a short summary of the report, nor did he study the full 60,000 redacted pages that had been released Tuesday. “I read the table of contents,” was all Cheney could concede about the one chapter document.

Contrary to the report's conclusion that Bush didn't know about the CIA's dastardly deeds, Cheney said the President “was involved up to his eyeballs in discussions, even dreaming up more childish and sadistic torture methods than he honed on insects as a kid.” But Cheney did concede that Bush knew little, if nothing, about anything else, apart from his ability to open a can of beer with his teeth.

Cheney said he had only one regret about the crimes used before, during, and after the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks, “So many terrorists but so little time.”

Meanwhile, crackpot Jesse Ventura told the media, “Let me water board Cheney for 60 seconds, and he’ll be confessing to crimes he hasn’t even committed yet.”

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