UnNews:Torres Legible for Real Test
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Torres Legible for Real Test
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 29, 2015, 23:40:UTC)(
11 March 2009
LIVERPOOL, ENGLAND Rafael Benitez, manager of Liverpool FC has announced that Fernando Torres will be taking his English GCSE exam this summer. In a press conference held outside of the football stadium, opposite a grotty cafe, Benitez said, "He successfully achieved a C in his mock exam last December marking him as ready for the real test in the summer exam period."
The GCSE exams usually take place during the months of May, June and July, depending on the subject and the exam board and this year Torres will be sitting the exam along with thousands of 15 and 16 year olds around the country. Speaking at the conference, Torres explained that he's always had a passion for the English language, "I love to read although it is generally discouraged by my team mates and manager," when questioned whether or not his persistent reading has caused any serious issues in his life he continued, "Yes. I am often ostricised from the rest of the team, I'm never invited to any of the game nights where the players bet on games of Subbuteo."
It's a well known fact that most English football players are in fact stupid and rarely finish school due to pressing commitments on the football pitch. Torres has broken the tradition that hundreds of footballers have kept to by suggesting that he may go on to higher education. "I would like to go on to study at A-Level and look at subjects such as History, although Benitez has threatened to stop giving me goal bonuses, which I live off, if I do anything to get in the way of my commitments to Liverpool."
Torres is currently waiting on results from his mock Math, Science, Art and Religious Education exams which would allow him access into higher education.