UnNews:Topeka, Kansas is proclaimed "Whaling Capital of the USA"
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Topeka, Kansas is proclaimed "Whaling Capital of the USA"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, October 26, 2016, 23:26:UTC)(
1 September 2007
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TOPEKA Kansas: Yesterday on the 32nd of August, researchers at the National Whaling Committee made a startling discovery. They found that since 1997, Kansas has had the most whales harvested for blubber, oil, and personal enjoyment in the entire United States. The reason the researchers found this very disturbing is the apparent lack of oceans bordering Kansas. Never the less, Kansas's whale income totals are through the roof, with nearly 789,730 times as many whales as all the other states combined. This may be due in part to the fact that whaling is illegal in the USA.
As you can see, no oceans border Kansas. So where did the whales come from? To find the answers to these questions, our reporters interviewed several people, some of which had knowledge on the matter. "We started killing whales years ago", says Arnold Speargun, local whale guru. When questioned about the location of these seemingly plentiful whales, Mr. Speargun stared at our reporter, reached into his pocket and took out a twenty. "It is inevitable, Mr. Anderson", he stated. Research done by the National Whaling Committee lab on the Kansas whales, has discovered that the whales did not originate in the United States area. Probably because Mexico's been known to smuggle stuff. Others believe it is just the government trying to award something to Kansas, just to make them feel better about being a "lame state".
So where are the whales? Many people involved in this speculate that maybe the whales are being smuggled across the border from Mexico, for some unknown reason. Yet others believe that it is just one huge misunderstanding. Several small children have stated, "Kansas is the wailing state. They've been wailing about their lack of a fancy capital name for awhile now."
Yet another conspiracy theory points the whales to a portal where the whales are coming from the future looking for jobs. These people's theories are generally shot down immediately as being "just a South Park ripoff". One angry conspiracist told our reporters, "They terk er jobs!" before being shot by a police officer. So basically no one knows whats going on with Topeka, Kansas. Perhaps the crazy people in Kansas are confusing whaling with something else. Something, much, much more sinister. Shiver... Or maybe Kansas fisherman are really catching "pond whales", which are really just dolphins. In a pond. Maybe the Kansas fisherman are just idiots.
Kansas is really quite a maniacal place. I mean how often do little girls get swept away by random tornadoes with virtually no warning, only to end up in some creepy fantasy land. I mean when's the last time that's happened to you? That's what I thought. Maybe the psycho fishermen are getting swept away by random hurricanes to Whale Land or something. Except that makes even less sense as Kansas is in the middle of the US, and since when can hurricanes come that far over land.
- Slau Terfest "Kansas Whaling Committee proclaims Topeka the "Whaling Capital"". NWC, August 32, 2007
- Bill "Whales: A look at modern life". Bill Books, August 12, 2007