UnNews:Tony Blair in drunken Miami jet rampage
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Tony Blair in drunken Miami jet rampage
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Monday, December 5, 2016, 14:47:UTC)(
27 December 2006
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At a press conference, Chancellor and grumpy bastard Gordon Brown said "I will miss old Tony, he was an alright sort of fellow, you know, if you look past Iraq, the NHS, terrorism, etc, etc. But hey, I'm in bloody charge now! At bloody last! Thank you god! So, how about bringing back British Rail and...what? He's not dead? THE BASTARD!."
Eyewitnesses say they saw Mr Blair sitting normally in his seat for the first half of the trip, but became erratic after eating one too many packs of the complementary Smarties. He then broke his way into the drinks cabinet, and downed twenty bottles of Jack Daniel's. He then forced his way into the engaged toilet, threw out the occupant, and flushed every toilet roll before making his way back to the drinks cabinet. This time the stewardesses attempted to foil him, sadly failing, so the armed Air Marshall opened fire, missing and killing an entire party of Butlins Redcoats, on their way to open the new Miami Butlins
"I wouldn't call that missing then," said the Air Marshall. "In Failing to prevent an atrocity, I like to think I have prevented another."
After finished off the last of the Carling, Mr Blair demanded everybody sing Def Leppard, while he plays air guitar. Nobody responed, as everyone just ignores Tony Blair these days. So instead he went to the cockpit, and asked if he could land the plane. When told no, he threw the pilots out, and gave it a go. Spoilers follow for you News 24 viewers.
Blair brought the 747 down to street level, taking out a few cars and a few people went through the engines. Failing to take the next turn, he crashed to Miami Beach, destroying the bars, and causing an orphanage to explode (as they do). With what was left of the plane, he flew towards the airport, crashing into the runway and rolling to a collision with a Greenpeace bus.
"It was surprisingly professional " said Captain Von Richthofen. "I missed the orphanage last time. Almost got the sack! "