UnNews:Tony Blair In Plot To Kidnap His Own Child
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Tony Blair In Plot To Kidnap His Own Child
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 26, 2017, 23:05:UTC)(
British Prime Minister Tony Blair denied today that he had discussed kidnapping his own child (who can't be named because of disagreements between his grandparents over what to call him). Following the introduction of the new Terrorism Act and anti-smoking laws, surveillance cameras, microphones and police Special Branch Officers have been installed in every pub in England. And it was one of these that picked up the Prime Minister's voice last night.
Mr Blair confessed to UnNews that he was enjoying his usual evening Campari soda at the Republican's Head round the corner from Downing Street when he mentioned to some of his New Labour cronies that his kid enjoyed a nap most afternoons. This gave him a break from his childcare duties so he could answer a few questions in the Houses of Parliament.
Special Branch detective and police spokerwoman, Det. Insp. R.Morris, stated at a press conference this afternoon that the matter was still under investigation. She said, "As we all know, men are forbidden from talking about children in public since the Children Act 2005. Our automatic voice-monitoring and recognition system picked up the Prime Minister say the word "kid" and the word "nap" in the same sentence." When this occurs, officers of the Special Branch are dispatched automatically to arrest the utterer.
According to Matt Lucas, head of the recently disbanded Men 4 Men campaigning group, Tony Blur is known to have a "very difficult wife" . Matt told UnNews, "After the last election Tony told us that he was learning listening skills. So what's he doing spouting off like that in a pub? Careless talk, if you ask me. Now he's up for plotting to kidnap his own child. Terrible!"
Mrs Blair declined to be interviewed, but her legal representative told UnNews. "Mrs Blur is a highly vulnerable woman. She already has a non-molestation order against her husband provided by the Feminism Ministry, and is now seeking to ensure that her husband receives an ASBO in order that he should come out of denial."
edit Man Threatens To Dowse Himself with Water
A man was arrested yesterday after threatening to pour water over himself outside the Houses of Parliament. The man, who appeared to be carrying a watering can, gave himself up after a 30-minute stand-off with police. He was believed to have been protesting over the mild weather and claimed that he just wanted to cool himself down. Insp. Ken Reeves of Scotland Yard said the man was arrested for making misleading statements near the Houses of Parliament. He told UnNews, "It's the middle of winter. How could he possibly have been trying to cool himself down? If he wants to make misleading statements like that, he should get himself a place inside the Houses of Parliament, rather than hanging around outside like a terrorist."