UnNews:Tony Blair: Terrorists to be frozen-“like sperm.”
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
17 August 2006
LONDON ENGLAND- At a press conference today, British Prime Minister Tony Blair has announced plans to encase terror suspects in blocks of ice, and lock them in fridges forever. He has come under criticism from human rights groups, who argue that terrorists are people too, and deserve a fair trial. Mr Blair decried their concerns as "fascist” and “The product of a sick and deranged mind.” He continued “Everyone knows that terrorists aren’t human, Their terrorist. They should be shot in the street like dogs. Some people believe this is an infringement of their civil liberties. Well they’ll be the first to be frozen.” Mr Blair condemned their “Irresponsible bourgeois liberalism.” Saying that they were “Worse than the Nazis.”
Under new laws anyone suspected of being involved in terrorism will be dumped in vats of liquid ice and cryogenically frozen, to protect the public. It is already compulsory for Criminals such as paedophiles and shoplifters to be frozen, and dumped in the North Sea. Other plans such as Space prison satellites were rejected as being too expensive “Some innocent people may be frozen.” Blair admitted “But is this really a bad thing? At least they’ll be protected from actual terrorists.” Mr Blair was also embarrassed later on in the press conference when he was forced to admit that former Home Secretary John Reid, now being hospitalized for being possessed by Pope Benedict XVI, came up with the whole idea.
The Frozen terrorists will be taken to an underground storage vault, and locked away “like Evil frosty foetuses.” A percentage of the frozen terrorists will be taken out and incinerated every 10 years, to make space for new frozen terrorists to be stored.
Conservative leader David Cameron has defended his decision to ignore the opinions of the “Unwashed masses out there in pleb land.” after the alleged airliner-bomb-plot-holocaust, and attack the Government's counter-terrorism strategy of “Arresting brown people, freezing brown people, burning brown people''.”
It followed his claims on Tuesday that the Government was not doing anything to protect national security or fight Islamic extremist evil “Have they built any death camps?” he asked. “I think not, I certainly can’t see any burning terrorist corpses, can you?” On Wednesday, Mr Cameron told BBC Breakfast News he stood by his opinion that plans to freeze suspected terrorists with liquid nitrogen for the next 30 years were, "wrong". He said: "I believe it is wrong for Tony Blair to freeze these Terrorists, what if they mutate into some kind of super ice death terrorists, then in 30 years we’ll have to deal with psychotic terrorist snow men. We have enough trouble dealing with average psychotic snowmen."
He said that money must be available, to fund security measures such as more police and “Electric chairs in mosques.” Mr Cameron advised the government to “Fry the bastards! Before they get us, and our children, and our children’s children, and our children’s children’s children.” Mr Cameron continued “The only Good Terrorist is a state sponsored terrorist. I mean a dead Terrorist.”
Mr Cameron also said the Government must take further action to protect the country from “The Islamic terrorist cancer!”
“It’ll digest your face!” he claimed.
He said: "There are some actions the Government needs to take. For example, they must listen to phone calls, all phone calls! People expressing unauthorised opinions MUST BE PUNISHED! Thought crime CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE! BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING! I INTEND TO LEGISLATE AT THE MOUTH!”
Mr Blair also insisted that he was a “Nice chap really!” and stood for “for fuzzy, wuzzy hat bunnies and peace.”