UnNews:Tommy gives Ivan a good drubbing

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Tommy gives Ivan a good drubbing

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19 February 2015


Veteran pilots talk about Vera Lynn during Russian "Bear" interception

CONINGSBY, England -- A veteran squadron was scrambled to intercept a large propeller bomber inbound to the coast of Britain, causing moustaches to twitch at the Air Ministry. This is the first time the RAF had to exercise this type of role since WWII, and required the RAF's most ancient and venerable aviators.

Air Commodore Sir Hugh Humpleby-Hollingsworth received the information at Whitehall, via carrier pigeon from the secret radar station at Knutsford. Ten of the latest Eurofighter interceptors took off for the radar target from RAF Coningsby in Lincolnshire.

Leading the mission was 11 Squadron veteran pilot Bertie Billington-Bedford. The ninety-one-year-old Squadron Leader said: “We were just in the nissan hut enjoying corned beef, powdered eggs and bromide tea, when the siren went off. We couldn’t believe our hearing aids, that hasn’t happened since the 1944 Squadron ball; that time I was on stage performing the Tail-gunner’s Tango with Sargent Thompson. We went on to sink the Turpitz that night.”

“Anyway that was the last year anyone went up against propeller driven bombers approaching our coast, so as the RAF’s remaining specialists we got the job.”

As ten brand new supersonic, super-cruise Typhoon interceptors appeared on the apron, the veteran pilots were astonished at the amount of upgrading the aircraft had undergone in the last 70 years. They decided it was perhaps best to get squadron test pilot, Henry Windsor-Castle, to have “a little run out in one of the old girls first.”

Windsor-Castle reported breathlessly that the Typhoon was rather lively compared to the De Havilland Mosquito, like jumping from a donkey on to an angry wild leopard; and the giant analogue instruments have been left out, so pilots must try to remember to take their bi-focals for the tv screens; as well as have a pee and take their pills.

After the Squadron found a “young man” to fire up their aircraft with his iPad, the squadron joined other NATO fighters intercepting Russian Tupolev TU-95 bombers, known as Bears, which were picked up in international airspace to the north west of Britain at round 1830 yesterday.

Back in Whitehall, at a MOD press conference, the Air Commodore said: “RAF Quite Slow Reaction but Alert Typhoon fighter aircraft were launched yesterday, after Russian aircraft were identified flying close to the beaches. The Russian planes were escorted by the RAF until they were out of the UK area of interest. It was a textbook job from a veteran team.”

Squadron Leader Billington-Bedford agrees, but it was not a mission without its challenges: “We were a little confused at first because we were looking for Jerry, but then Ops said we were looking for Ivan and Jerry was coming out to help. Nothing in Boffo’s morning briefing said we had changed sides, so it was all a bit puzzling. In the end Ivan managed to work it out and helped explain it to Jerry and us before going home, nice chap.

We all got back apart from Smudge, who bought it passing the coast. Poor chap hit a cliff supersonic after dropping his teeth and jamming the controls; he was 103 though. On the plus side, we agreed to call it a kill for young Shorty, as it was his first mission since qualifying 69 years ago.”

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