UnNews:Tom Cruise converts to Islam
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Tom Cruise converts to Islam
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, January 22, 2017, 02:00:UTC)(
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1 April 2007
Hollywood, California - Having curbed Katie Holmes' shopping sprees, time she is allowed to spend with her parents as well as trips outside their lush California mansion, Tom Cruise still wasn't satisfied keeping his wife away from the public as well as barefoot and pregnant. So, late last week he converted his family from Scientology to Islam.
Hollywood was stunned to hear the details, and in proper Hollywood fashion, they blew the news way out of proportion.
"I can't believe he would do this!" exclaimed John Travolta, scientiologist, and star of Battlefield: Earth, She's So Lovely and Look Who's Talking Now, "I mean, Tom was so completely devoted to our faith! Not only that, but he just became a ninth level Xenu warrior wizard with a +3 sceptre of Psychology Debunking. How can he just walk away from all that?"
Cruise, who turns 45 in July, has already made the trip to Mecca. "It is really inspiring to see a man of his stature embrace a new faith and make such a bold change" said fellow muslim Al Mummar Bin Hibbuhibhib. Fun UnNews Fact: Tom Cruise stands 5 feet 2 inches, in shoes.
When asked for comment on how she's adjusting to the change, Katie Holmes was told to shut up and get back into the kitchen and prepare Tom's hummus.
Cruise was more than happy to share the joy of his new faith. "It's great. Now I no longer have to worry about Katie having any free will at all! She does whatever I say and is happy to do so. Aren't you dear?"
Before Katie, dressed in a Burqa, could get any words out, Cruise told her to shut up. Cruise then told UnNews that he plans to fully take control of Katie's career, calendar and trips to the bathroom.
Still, it's not all bad news. First on Tom's list is the complete destruction of all of Holmes' past works. With Cruise burning all of the movies and TV shows Katie has ever starred in, no one will ever have to sit through First Daughter again. Thanks Tom!