UnNews:Tom Cruise ascends to Zippy OT Level 7 Climax in Scientology
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Tom Cruise ascends to Zippy OT Level 7 Climax in Scientology
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, September 26, 2016, 05:27:UTC)(
1 April 2009
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Today Tom Cruise was declared legally insane as he accepted his award for 78,966 hours of Scientology study, the Zippy OT Level 7 Climax. This allows him to levitate up to 3 meters above sea level, misunderstand pretty much anything that he hears, and the right to a new body. This Thetan body, or TB will allow him to see into the future and makes him invisible to Xenu and his minions.
Witnesses to the spectacular ceremony of Cruise's ascendance to near perfection included Matt Groening, Billy Graham, Queen Elizabeth, and Frank Zappa. Zappa's theme for the event, "Valkyrie Industrial Prunes", was hanging in the air mystically as Cruise donned the Crown of Perfumery and grasped the Sceptre of Distrust, then sat on a throne of macaroni.
At precisely 5:03pm, the Aurora Borealis erupted in the sky overhead, as angels burped and slaves, brought in from the Clearwater, Florida, carried John Travolta up the long staircase on a litter made of calcified Dugong spittle. Run-on sentences were spawned by the thousand as awe-struck onlookers prostrated themselves before David Miscavige, who showed up to the affair in glitter shorts, a knitted sport jacket, with a smart bowler hat to complete the ensemble. Ratskin shoes by Gucci accented his rather small feet, and he lisped mirthfully, prancing about the dais, looking like a rhesus monkey enduring a sloppy garrotting.