UnNews:Tom, Myspace creator, dies in horrific interstate car pile-up
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Tom, Myspace creator, dies in horrific interstate car pile-up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, November 28, 2015, 00:38:UTC)(
8 April 2009
edit Tom, Myspace Creator, Dead at Age 99.3
Tom, friend to every member of Myspace.com and worldwide-famous superstar of the Myspace Universe, was pronounced dead sometime this morning after a fatal car crash in a death and destruction-filled pile-up on Interstate 546 in Alabama. Many Myspace users are mourning this morning (ha, mourning...morning...) by leaving Tom comments and kudos on his blogs and profiles. Tom was said to be 20-ish on his profile, but in reality was 99.3 according to his mother, Katy Perry, who also perished in the car crash.
News has been circling about the wreck since mid-March 2009, and Tom's skinned, burned, and bled-out body is just being recovered from the scene of the pileup. Details about the pile-up were posted in a hobo's blog. Somehow, the hobo has no name and witnessed the ENTIRETY of the pileup. Please excuse the bad grammar, the following is a quote from the blog:
Mkay guys, like lol i totally witnessed a frakkin pileup teh othernitez! ZOMGLOLROFLLMAOWTF!!!?!!?! I@(HDSJH! So this is how it wnet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!1112ii97 Tom was riding in his limo with some friends. I think it was osama, mario, jennifer, george of the jungle, katy perry, the living members of Lynyrd SKynyrd, bob faggot... i mean, saget... and earl hickey from my name is earl. THey were all drunk and swerving across all 15 lanes of interstate 546 in Alabama. Suddenly, nickelback's tour bus swerved into a ditch, which caused tom to freak out at the wheel. jennifer and mario jumped out the window, only to be smashed and sliced by oncoming traffic, which including the rock of love bus. Bret michaels who was driving THe rock of love bus then turned around to help everyone out. Unfortunately, the dumb bimbos in the Rock of love bus were dumb and lit a bomb in the bus which caused it to explode, sending at least 40 cars into the sky and into the interstate. Nicklebacks tour bus slammed into a pileup of 10 cars. it flipped 5 times iacross the 15 lanes of i-546. Tom's limo (which still contained Osama, Tom, George, Katy Perry (who was dead already from all the excitement), Skynyrd, Bob Saget (who was having a seizure), and earl (who was eating popcorn), still driving crazily down the road slammed into the side of the now 73-car pileup and pinned in an akward position. Tom's flesh was caught between the winshield wipers and several cars, when suddenly osama moved to try and escape. THe whole limo shook and Tom's flesh was ripped off. Osama was decapitated by a falling car tire, George miraculously lived, but died in the hospital from swollen lungs, Katy Perry OD'd in the car, The only remainging member of Lynyrd Skynyrd managed to live and later wrote a song called "The I-546 Pileup" which made it to number 509782 in the charts, Bob saget died fro mthe stress of the wreck, and Earl choked on his popcorn. Nickelback's tour bus, in the center of the pileup went thru the most painful death. They were all cooked alive by the burning bus and cars. Bret Michaels lived, only losing half of his body, and co-wrote "The i-546 Pileup" and managed to sing the chorus on the live version. Out of the 984 in the pileup, 3 survived (SKynyrd, George, Bret). But now, due to the death of George in the hospital, only 2 are remaining.
The bodies were buried in a new cemetery in Alabama, which was formerly and ironically home to a popular "Bob's Car Crash Repair" shop from 1956-2008. Next year a film will be produced about Tom's life, with Tom's ghost playing himself. It is proposed to be called: Tom: Myspace Superhero.
edit Minor Detail Flaw by the Hobo
On another note, several have put down the hobo's account of the wreck. Several have stated that an oil-carrying eighteen wheeler (commonly found on any Alabama interstate, which WOULD make more sense...) was the source of the explosion, due to a spark from the pileup, instead of the bomb-blowing bimbos causing the "Rock of Love" bus to combust. The hobo has since then been put into a pyschiatric hospital after viewing the events. He constantly complains of feeling the cold bloody hands of several dying crash victims grabbing for him, just as they did that fateful night.
edit Fake Chain, or True Message?
Several Myspace users must be thinking, "Is Tom really dead? This HAS to be another f*ckin' chain message." Unfortunately, it isn't. So pass it on in the next 5 hours or you may be putting your mom's and friend's life in danger. Really.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|