|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
4 July 2008
COLUMBUS, Georgia - Hey, today is my cat's birthday. He is eleven today. I've had him for most of both his and my life. He's really nice, even though he attacks other cats. And people. He doesn't like people. Except me.
We've had him ever since he was about two or three months old. We got him after my mother got done serving her community service at the animal shelter. That's where she served most of her community service, anyway. She also did some of her probation at Habitat for Humanity and at the airport. That's right. Half of the people who work at the airport as security screeners are people serving time. How else do you think 9/11 could have ever happened?
My mother had to do something like 200 hours of probation along with going to weekly AA meetings after she got a DUI. Guess where she got the DUI at? In a Chuck E. Cheese parking lot. Seriously. We went there because it was my fifth birthday. As I played, she got extremely wasted. Who knew they even served alcohol at Chuck E Cheese? Well, apparently they do. Or at least did. That was the only time I ever went to Chuck E Cheese. And people wonder why I'm so fucked up in the head. My birthdays always suck.
So yeah... Um... His name is Romeo. Kinda from Romeo & Juliet. I didn't name him that. My alcoholic mother did. I wanted to name in Vincent, as in Vincent Van Gogh. Yeah, that crazy painter who goes around looking in people's windows whenever it rains.
He can tear people the fuck up. I'm serious. I took him to school for show-and-tell a few months after we got him. He scared the shit out of the little brats. He attacked three of them. Not bad, though. The little assholes still whined about it. They were little redneck kids. I cracked up laughing after he did that to them. You would've been laughing, too, if you had been there.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|