This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
24 June 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
VIENNA, Virginia -- The little children of Killmar Preschool, located about 10 miles west of Washington D.C., will be learning their ABC's a little differently this semester. That's because the principal of the preschool has banned all forms of interaction between the youngsters, as a means of "discouraging premature sexual behavior."
The school's principal, Mrs. Franny Ratbag, says it all started last week when one of the schoolboys asked a female classmate to hand him a crayon. "I was appalled by this blatant sexual innuendo, and rightfully made him sit in a corner for the rest of class," says Mrs. Ratbag.
When asked whether she thought she was overreacting to a harmless gesture of kindness, she said "Of course not!! These little buggers are so damn horny, you wouldn't believe it! I know that at first it just SEEMS like the kid just wanted to borrow a crayon, but God, can you imagine what perverted ideas he had in mind for the crayon?!? And that's just the beginning! Over the past few weeks, these kids have become increasingly corrupt! It's not just asking each other for crayons, it's giving each other cups of apple juice! And playing "Mary Mack" together! And even...God, I can't even say it...hugging!!!"
So, in response to the apparent blazing sexual desires of her prepubescent students, Mrs. Ratbag passed a new rule in the school. Not content with simply banning affectionate physical interaction as other local schools have, Mrs. Ratbag went so far as to disallow any form of social interaction. While hugging, kissing, heavy petting, and "playing doctor" were already banned, added to this list are now playing, talking, smiling, and any other form of what Mrs. Ratbag calls "corrupt activities that lead our children down the dark path that leads to unprotected sex, recreational drug use, and gang rape."
When it was pointed out to Mrs. Ratbag that smiling and talking seem to be fairly harmless activities, she said "Not true! Though they may seem harmless at first, look what they lead to! One minute they're talking, next minute they're rolling around on the floor having unprotected sex!! What does a game of tag lead to? One minute a kid's getting pushed over by accident and getting a skinned knee, the next minute he's getting shot or stabbed! Tag leads to gang violence and recreational drug use!!! What does Mary Mack turn into?? Bloody knuckles! Next thing ya know, they're playing Russian roulette!!!"
Mrs. Ratbag has been working diligently to get the "no interaction" rule enforced in all schools, including middle schools, high schools, and even colleges. She also has announced her plans to take even more extreme measures to counteract sexuality in the future: "I plan to bring a new 'No Students' law to the attention of the national education system," she says, "If I get this law successfully passed, it will ban all students at all schools in the country. It will surely work, because after all, if you don't have students, they can't have sex!!!"
While some parents support her radical efforts to counteract pre-adolescent sexuality, others feel it is a bit extreme. "I don't think that playing tag leads to hardcore sex," sad Mary Thomas, 24. "I let my eight kids play tag all the time, and none of them are knocked up yet - not even the 12 year old." Others, like Father Bob Luke, disagree. "I fully support what Mrs. Ratbag is doing, and am considering a "No looking at others" rule in my church for much the same reason. We must crush this sinful scourge once and for all.'
- Some Dude. "High-fives could mean detention for students in Va. school". CNN News, July 18, 2007