UnNews:To Bee or Not to Bee
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To Bee or Not to Bee
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 03:57:UTC)(
15 October 2008
Santa Barbra, California -- There is a buzz on the freeway in California today when, during peak hour traffic a truck transporting bee hives overturned on Freeway 13. The truck contained a total of twelve million bees and they were released onto the freeway. At first this looks like the standard highway accident and these look like the standard bees but new witness testimonies have shown that this is not an accident.
“There were not just bees…” said a military scientist working with the bees during the days leading up to the incident. He has chosen to remain anonymous for the press statement. “These bees were special military bees that were returning to a secret military base in northern California after a successful training exercise in Patagonia. They have been genetically engineered to be super intelligent and are equip with the latest in nano-weaponry. The bees were given special training in counter-intelligence, gun use, special ops, bomb use and underwent a gruelling SAS training exercise in the Mohabi Desert. These are ‘black ops bees’ and the crash was no accident.”
The black ops bee’s story runs like a B grade Hollywood movie. According to a forensics team at the crash site, the driver was dead before the truck crashed. “This can only mean one thing,” said the anonymous scientist, “the bees want revenge.” After questioning more people involved in the incident, the plot begins to unravel. Apparently, in between numerous search and destroy operations in Russia for missile silos, the black ops bees fell in love with poppy flower nectar. The military bought approximately twenty kilos of poppy flower nectar but due to recent budget stings, the nectar was instead replaced with Home Brand sugar just last week. In rebellion the buzzed off black ops bees have turned rogue. Eyewitnesses report that the truck crashed right next to the local natural food shop; Organic and Natural, which is believed to sell poppy flower nectar. Currently the black ops bees have infiltrated and fortified Organic and Natural and reports suggest that they have set up a command post in isle four.
Naturally, the military denied any research into the field of insect warfare however; Sergeant Frederic B. Haive made a press release. “There is no such thing as a black ops bee, there never were any black ops bees operating in Soviet countries and black ops bees never have hijacked any transport vehicle. The bees in question are funded by terrorist organisations and should be treated as terrorist. However, if black ops bees did exist, which they don’t, and these were black ops bees, which they aren’t, they would fortify their position then go out to recruit more bees from neighbouring hives. If they did exist, it would only take twelve black ops bees to infiltrate a hive and take that hive’s queen as a hostage so extreme caution is advised around any bee hives. With a larger army, the black ops bees would try to set up recon bases in neighbouring trees. Once the position was well fortified, black ops bees usually begin building advanced weaponry and take hostages. However, they are not black ops bees so don’t worry; just treat them as if they were though!”
Currently the black ops bees have made only one demand and that is for fifty kilos of poppy flower nectar to be delivered to Organic and Natural. They made their demand quite specific and added “… and don’t get the cheap stuff.” They warn that people will start dying if their demands are not met within the next three hours.
Who believed that such a normal sting in transport operations could unveil such a buzzing plot filled with a hive of politics and secret military operations starring a swarm of begrudged insects? This just proves that it is not always toast and honey.
Buzz Hector Reporting