Tinky Winky assassinated, other Teletubbies heartbroken
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 1, 2016, 00:43:UTC)(
22 May 2007
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Teletubby Land -- Today doctors confirmed that Tinky Winky, gay rights activist and possible Democratic candidate for the 2008 presidential election, was gunned down by an unknown assassin (possible gunners include his mother, Dipsy, Ann Coulter, Pat Robertson and Barney). His timely death came as a devastating shock to those who knew him, especially his close friend and longtime gay companion Barney.
Mr. Winky started out his career as a gay porn star, before he made the deal of his life when agreed to play one of the four starring roles in the popular children's T.V. show, the Teletubbies. However, the show was very emotionally taxing for the young and restless Winky, who was struggling with a crisis of sexuality, and simultaneously trying to deal with the stresses of starring in a television show. As the stress built up, Winky turned to alcohol and other drugs. He was often seen having wild all-night parties with his lover at the time, Elmo.
He reached a revelation in 2002, when the late Jerry Falwell said "This douchebag is trying to brainwash our kids into accepting the gay lifestyle!! He's gonna turn all of America's toddlers into little FLAMERS!! This little creep is responsible for all of the faults the planet is witnessing today." Tinky Winky found these comments "very hurtful", reportedly crying for a full seven days before quitting the show. He was replaced by the new character named Butch, who wears a black leather outfit and walks around with a Playboy magazine in his pocket. "Now THIS is a decent, Retarded character," said Mr. Falwell on the new Teletubby, "I have no complaints about HIM."
Meanwhile, Tinky Winky moved to San Francisco, where he opened up a gay bar and publicly came out of the closet. Shortly afterwards, he eloped with Barney, and the two began a tour of the United States, also attending that year's gay pride parade.
This year, Winky began showing up at conventions of the Democratic party, and was one of the most flamboyant partygoers at the official celebration on the day of Jerry Falwell's death. In recent weeks, he made numerous speeches implying that he planned to run for president, including his final speech in which he said "GEORGE BUSH ASSHOLE! GEORGE BUSH ASSHOLE! TINKY WINKY WANT GIVE AMERICA BIG HUG!!!". This statement can be interpreted as a confirmation of Mr. Winky's plans to run for president. If so, he would be the first Teletubby to ever hold a public office, although he wouldn't be the first to run (La-La made an unsuccesful bid for governor of Florida in 2006). Polls before Mr. Winky's assassination showed that 30% of Americans preferred him over Hillary Clinton , and 45% preferred him over Big Bird, who is rumored to be running as an independent.
Whether or not Tinky Winky planned to run for president will never be known, because at 9:00 this morning, while walking out of a women's underwear store, Tinky Winky was gunned down by a passing vehicle. Witnesses say it was a large, black vehicle with a bumper sticker reading "I am definitely NOT a gangster." Tinky Winky was killed instantly. His arm was taken by the owner of the underwear store, who proceeded to turn it into a bra. Dipsy and Po took what the rest of him to a local doctor, who confirmed his death. Police have theorized that the assassin who killed him actually mistook him for Cookie Monster, an individual who many gangs have attempted to assassinate over the years, because "He never pays for his cookies."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|