UnNews:Tinfoil hats cause cancer say NASA scientists
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Tinfoil hats cause cancer say NASA scientists
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, September 28, 2016, 13:45:UTC)(
2 May 2007
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WASHINGTON, DC -- A report released by NASA today evidences the link between tin foil hats and cancer. The report establishes that immediately upon putting on a tin foil hat, the subject becomes cancerous. The report further recommends that the immediate removal of all metal hats -- including those of construction workers -- is in the best interests of the nation's health, and urges those who regularly don metal hats to seek medical attention. The good news is that "The cancer is completely reversible," said Chief NASA Medical Officer Dr. John Smith in a press conference at NASA's Washington Headquarters, "but this treatment is cutting edge and only a few NASA doctors are familiar with the procedure." Metal hats are commonly used, and Dr. Smith suggested that construction workers that wear metal "hard hats" switch to healthier and safer hats made of paper.
In a 4391 page report, NASA scientists document the process by which brain waves reflect off the metallic surface of tin or aluminum foil hats. "These reflected brain waves interact with healthy brain cells that results in small but unstable malignant tumors," states the NASA project coordinator, Dr. John Jones, in the NASA report. According to Dr. Jones, "the instability of the tumours is the key issue in treatment. Defocused electroneuralstimulation of the brain can break down the cancerous masses without affecting brain function." However, a mild side affect is possible. The treatment might modify the patient's speech to mimic someone like Gov. Arnold Schwartznegger or a deaf mute.
The prescribed treatment is the implantation of small neural electrodes beneath the skin and a low daily dosage of Lithium Carbonate. Lithium, an elemental salt, bonds to the small tumours and aids in their disintegration. According to Dr. Jones, the neural electrodes will be so small that the person will not be able to notice them. The report by NASA scientists states that treatment is completely safe, 100% effective, and recovery will occur in a very short time frame because of the Lithium Carbonate. "Most of the time, treatment will be complete in four to six weeks, but patients should continue to take a daily profilactic dose of Lithium Carbonate in order to ensure remission," said Dr. Jones.
A previously used treatment has also been discredited by the report which recommends that it be immediately be discarded. The discredited treatment involves the use of a 357 magnum to shoot individual cancerous cells. While initially effective on the first targeted cell, there were insufficient healthy cells or even surrounding tissue to continue the treatment, the report found. When reached at his Michigan home at the Lakeland Correctional Facility, Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the developer of the treatment called it a "magic bullet." He is the only medical provider to actually use the treatment. Kevorkian said, "my protocol will immediately free the patient from any pain. Nothing anyone else has tried, can do this." Kevorkian claims that the treatment can also be applied to other ailments as well, saying he particularly liked using his treatment for unwanted pregnancy because "it was like killing two birds with one stone -- only they were not birds." Dr. Kevorkian also cited other successful uses of his treatment in prostate cancer and male pattern baldness.
NASA states that it does not have the capacity to be the first point of contact for those with tin foil hat-related cancers, and refers people who have engaged in high risk metal hat-wearing to contact - FBI Headquarters or their local FBI field office to receive treatment. "We are happy to assist NASA in its endeavours to protect the health and well-being of Americans," said John Miller, the Assistant Director of the FBI's Office of Public Affairs, "and we enjoin any concerned citizen to contact the FBI to help metal hat wearers acquire the treatment they need."
Due to the simplicity of treatment procedures and NASA's commitment to public health, NASA will provide treatment free of charge, with the expense coming out of its revenues from patent rights.
Dr. Kevorkian remains unconvinced saying "they're missing the boat. My procedure will not only help with the population explosion but will supply a much needed final solution for the baby boomers as they grow older." Kevorkian continued, "while it is probably best that the patient not be aware of the immediate impact of the treatment, it will help society as a whole." "I think everyone should wear metal hats" Dr. Kevorkian comcluded while sporting a natty tin foil fedora.