UnNews:Time names Trump "Man of the Year"

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Time names Trump "Man of the Year"

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7 December 2016

Madam President

Last month, Newsweek used a photo of a much younger Hillary Clinton. Nestled in the Chappaqua, New York hillside behind her are some of her private email servers.

NEW YORK CITY -- Time Magazine has made the astonishing choice of Donald Trump as its Man of the Year for 2016.

The annual award — whose actual name is Person, Thing, or Concept of the Year to be gender-friendly and fair to drones, furries, and smartphone apps — recognizes someone or something that "made the biggest change" in the year — or else didn't, when he, she, or it was expected to. Time always emphasizes that this need not be a change for the good; it named Adolf Hitler Man of the Year, and in fact did so again posthumously for 5 of the 8 years of George W. Bush's presidency.

However, media observers were studying the pretzels Time's editors would tie themselves into, in order to avoid naming the candidate who defied its weekly declarations that he was unelectable and should promise he would go away quietly after he lost. Naming someone else, though not credible, would at least have given subscribers a good read.

These observers were enthused when Christopher Suprun emerged as a dark-horse candidate. He is the Texas Elector who says he cannot cast his Electoral Vote for a man who brags about grabbing women by the pussy and tweets all night. He said he intends to protect democracy next week by defying the voters, which is essentially what Bush did for capitalism in 2008.

Other promising alternatives included:

  • Ohio Governor John Kasich, who stands to book the highest ratio of Electoral Votes to states won (if one is willing to divide by zero), thanks to Mr. Suprun.
  • Green Party candidate Jill Stein, who made no comparable promise to go away quietly, and is now suing in three states to force a recount that will surely show that she received not 1% of the vote but 51%.
  • Bernie Sanders, who aroused college students majoring in Chicano Grievance Studies with promises to cancel their student loans, until Hillary Clinton promised the same thing and achieved the same result when they didn't show up to vote because there was a big kegger on campus that day.
  • The first self-driving delivery truck to get completely across the Golden Gate Bridge without plunging into San Francisco Bay.

After much hand-wringing, however, Time editors agreed they would look stupid failing to name the President who had defied their predictions — and set to the difficult task of writing about him without mentioning how stupid the predictions were in the first place.

They have one consolation: Unlike Newsweek, they do not have to spend time building a bonfire of 100,000 copies of a Madam President issue.

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