UnNews:Time Zone Dispute Brought On By Alabama Man
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The United States Time Zone Liberation Act Of Freedom, A.K.A. Soaring Liberty, was brought upon Capitol Hill today by Alabama citizen and Vietnam war veteran Orice Laurence Dan to "Unify America under one time zone". His speech, while thorough and informative, was not enough to sway Congress to pass the bill.
edit Here is a transcript of his speech
"Good evenin' Congress. I'd like to thank yall for lettin' me come out yer today to speak mah piece. Excuse me if I move right along to mah point. I recently discovered that some folks outside mah humble state of Alabama see a different time that I do when they look at their clock. Some people call's this "time zones", I call's it blaspheme and treason! Now, I came out yer today to put an end to this un-American bull shit! As the Lord Jesus said, "Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints." And it was so, and the Earth was blanketed with one singular time zone! None of this Center Time and Easter Time! Now, I know's yall is a sensible bunch. But, I'm not so sure how you fellas over here atchya, Capeeol Hiell thought of such of a stoopid thing. But I am damn well sure who thought of this commanist shovnism. It's those damn stinken hippy, drug smokin', Gawd damn, democratic equally-minded lunatics. These people come over on the boats from their commanist lands, and liven in... MAINE, and CONNEKEECIT, and those gays over in CALIFORNA, and they come and make these lawls that go against the holy Bible. The good book is wreetin in American for ah reason! Not so dam… (Orice stops himself for a moment and takes a more relaxed look) … So I ask yall to please make the right decision here. Thank yall fer your time."
edit Interview With Orice
We later sat down with Orice, the leader of the United American Time Zone Patriot Freedom League of Justice, to interview him about his proposal.
- Q: So Orice, why the name "Soaring Liberty"?
- A: Thats a mighty fine question you be askin'. Its actually a funny story how I came about with the name. I was watching my son play one of those... whaduhya callem... Vdyah games on that intertube website... what was it?... dubeya debeya dubeya dot... somethin' er other... Dot com, or somethin' like that. One of those holesome american games. They called it "ethnic cleansing". Now in that game he was killin' some of those Allkaheeda, or you know what they kids are call 'em now, those commanists. And I just had a thought, how bad would it be if there was a commanisim in good christian 'merika? And what do yew think I found? Damn "Time Zones", now who the hell thought that up? Karl Marx? So I named it soaring liberty to stop this commanisim from contunuing.
- Q: Are you aware that a single time zone is not an original idea?
- A: Of course, yew dum-dum! A single time zone was the idea of the Lord Jesus! Who else whouda thought of it?
- Q: Are you aware that it is originaly a Chinese idea?
- A: Who are yew to say that my factual eveedence is not backed up with factual data?!? Now look here boy, I got a mind hit you right now if you weren't one of those gays! My ideas are in no way, shape, or form commanist! You know what is commanist? Those damn Canadian and them there damn Russian hippies! I spend my whole life fighting in the... VietNAM war, and the eeRAQ war and the AFGHANahstanah war, and the... the AFghanAnmaneeraqaNAM war, and you are calling me a dam COMManist! Well you sir and your queer fest are the real coAmmanist in this room.
- Q: Excuse me, but you completely avoided the question.
- A: Hey! I don't have to answer to yew! Just because I didn't get me a fancee edemucation, or get me a fancee h'autemobile, or has me a five star livin space, or yer fancee ketchup, or yer Phillerdalphia cheesecake fillin, or yer bacon and cheese flavored grits, or a fancee Credeet Card, or knows a proper grammer, or yer underloins, or yer damn moon pies, doesn't mean I have to answer to yew! The only one I has to answer to is the good Lord God, and his son baby Jesus.
- Q: My apologies, lets move on shall we... It says here you served in the Vietnam war, did anything you see there that may have influenced your current political stand?
- A: I'll tell yew what influenced mah political stand... Say, do yew have the time?
- Q(A): It's about four thirty.
- A: See??? That's exactly the crap that started this. Mah watch is still set to mah God-blessed American time back in Alabama! In the land of the free, home of the brave, it is THREE THIRTY! I cannot speak with this blasphemer any more. Have fun praisin' Allah, or yer Ishnew, or whatever yew do in your spare time. (Orice storms out of the room)
edit Excerpts from the Bill
The following excerpts were found in the bill, written by Orice himself albeit heavily inspired by other works. (Heavily edited for legibility)
Article 1 section 1: Statement of Freedom-We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect time, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and time. I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these times to be self-evident: that all times are created equal." This is one small step for man, and one giant leap for time kind.
- Sections ommitted for the following reasions: Racisim, bigotry, several refrences to Cheese Cake Filling, and overall illegibility.
Article 47 section A3.1:Time if in fact it is time in existance in wich case there should be only one and no less than one with the exception of two, but not in having to do so with one of justice-Whence it would be one o'clock in this time which is now in the state which is in a country called the United States which the name of the state that is in the United States in a time zone is Alabama. It is implied that it would also be one o'clock in the state that is yet also in a country sharing the name as the ladder to be in the same timezone called New York. Due to the fact that the two states in a country named the United States of America would be in one singular time zone (New York and Alabama) we can assume that it would be one o'clock regardless of state location in both states at the same time.
edit Recent Update
Orice, after returning to Alabama, managed to get the Alabama government to side with his bill. Alabama has now seceded from the Central Time Zone, and created a new time zone, American Time. At the moment, Alabama is trying to get Mississippi to side with them as well, to form the "United Time Zones Of America". Unification of these two states (one located in the Eastern Time Zone and one located in the Central Time Zone) would mean the end of Americas separate time zones as we know them.