UnNews:Tim Tebow reveals that he is Jesus Christ during postgame press conference
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Tim Tebow reveals that he is Jesus Christ during postgame press conference
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 00:55:UTC)(
5 December 2011
DENVER, Colorado --
Quarterback Tim Tebow has been causing a stir in the NFL recently due to his ability to win games despite his unconventional style of play and often questionable statistics. Tim shed some light on the matter at a postgame conference yesterday when he revealed that he is actually the Savior of the Universe and only son of God, Jesus Christ.
"Sometimes I get bored at home," Christ explained. "There's really not a lot to do up there. I always wanted to toss the pigskin around with my dad as a kid, but he was always busy smiting Amelekites or Egyptians with lightning bolts. So I decided to run away from home and come here to Denver."
Christ, who has gone 5-1 as a starter since taking over for the Denver Broncos, annoys the shit out of everyone due to his tendency to be an all around decent guy. NFL fans, who are accustomed to serial murderers and bestiality enthusiasts playing in the league, dislike Christ's constant prayer and lack of felony charges.
During the press conference, Christ explained that his divine powers have allowed him to offset his limitations as a football player. "Football is fucking hard, man. Ever try throwing a football when a 500 pound mass of fat and ugly is bearing down on your ass? Didn't think so. I have to rely on divine miracles in order to win. Honestly, I thought you guys would have figured out who I was a long time ago. How else would the Broncos be tied for first the division?"
When asked why he allowed the Detroit Lions to beat him five weeks ago, Christ said the loss was the result of a dick move by his father. According to Christ, his father temporarily took away his powers so as to give new meaning to the phrase, "throwing Christians to the Lions". This lame joke received groans of exasperation from attending reporters.
Christ also clarified that his arrival on Earth is not the "Second Coming" mentioned in the Book of Revelations. "That whole Second Coming thing is a bunch of nonsense," said Christ. "This is actually, like, the twenty-first time I've been back here. John of Patmos wrote Revelations during a bad acid trip and thought it was the word of God. The only reason we left it in Scripture is because it's the only exciting part of the Bible and we knew it would boost book sales."
Christ ultimately hopes to lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl, but he has promised to boycott the league if Madonna plays the halftime show, as it is well known that her music is endorsed by his father's archenemy, Satan.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|