UnNews:Tim Peake to return to ISS
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Tim Peake to return to ISS
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 14:47:UTC)(
27 January 2017
LONDON -- Tim Peake will be returning to the International Space Station this Sunday to pick up his wallet. The helicopter test pilot had been hunting "high and low" through his original Soyuz spacecraft at the Science Museum here, before making the official announcement that his search had not been high enough.
During Major Peake's first trip to the ISS, he became the first British person to participate in a spacewalk, which he said was a high point of his mission. However, as with all high-risk adventures, the spacewalk was not without its drama, as crewmates briefly created the pretense they were all out during Peake’s attempt to return to the station. The British astronaut also engaged in a number of other activities intended to promote interest in space throughout the leafy Home Counties and beyond.
These included pruning his space-roses, cataloguing from orbit all the churches he not yet visited in West Sussex, converting the Columbus module into the “Dog and Ferret” pub, running the 2016 London Marathon on the ISS treadmill and becoming the first man on orbit to make a passable cup of tea.
However, since returning to Chichester, Major Peake has found himself in financial difficulty, stating in a Facebook post that he had “got himself into a spot of bother” in the town centre last Tuesday. The distressed astronaut described how he was “mortified” at discovering he was unable to pay £10 for a haircut at the local barbers, because he couldn’t find his wallet.
“Rupert was a little disappointed, quite understandably,” admitted the test pilot. “He had even given me a free cup of tea while we chatted about Superheated Atmospheric Plasma, his new favourite indie band. Fortunately, he said I could pop in next week to settle up — It’s not like I was leaving the country or anything.”
A visibly relieved Peake told reporters that he had turned over his home, his caravan twice, and even checked whether anybody at the Baikonur Cosmodrome had seen it. However, luck was on Peake’s side as, while rooting through his space capsule, a drinking buddy on the ISS called him to say they’d found it, floating behind a bowler hat that was hanging on the ISS coat rack.
“What a blessing they found it!” he said at the Science Museum press conference, “I was a bit miffed that they thought it all very funny, though. Even after I told them my National Trust card was in there, they still did not seem particularly worried about it. To be fair, I do have a sticker in the Volvo’s window, but some of those Forestry Commission till ladies are very strict when it comes to following the correct procedures.”
Peake has been informed by his ISS friends that the Russians will have a Soyuz rocket ready for him on Sunday afternoon. The astronaut added that he has since been provided with financial support from his family and plans to return to Chichester to pick up some items that the ISS crew have requested. These include a kite, a pendulum clock, a Jenga set, a couple of umbrellas and a Mr Potato head.
- Andrew Griffin "Tim Peake will return to the International Space Station on second European Space Agency mission". Independent, January 27, 2017