UnNews:Tilda Swinton takes red carpet by storm at 80th Annual Academy Awards

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Tilda Swinton takes red carpet by storm at 80th Annual Academy Awards

Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

UnNews Logo Potato
Thursday, March 22, 2018, 22:20:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

26 February 2008


Tilda Swinton just could find anything to wear to the 80th Annual Academy Awards except this black velvet bag.

Los Angeles, UNN – The world press has recognized Tilda Swinton as the Worst Dressed Woman ever to attend the Academy Awards Ceremony.

Swinton, who appeared at the awards ceremony wearing a $15,000 black velvet sack styled by Lavin, sweaty work out hair and a single piece of cubic zirconium encrusted tailpipe on her wrist, worked very hard “at being pale.”

The reaction to Swinton’s shapeless, formless sack dress was almost immediate, with red carpet commentators taking a moment to regain their breathing.

“I know ugly, and that is so fucking ugly, its fugly,” said Joan Rivers. Where is Monique? Tilda has her dress!. And Rivers was not alone in her pointed comments.

“If I were her I would have taken a gun to my and blown my brains out,” comment Tim Gunn, co-host of Project Runway. “I used to think that she was plain, now I think she’s purposely set out to be an example to everywoman that wind suits can be formal wear. I mean…is she on crack?”

When asked how she prepared for the event, Swinton related that “I haven’t been in direct sun ever, but I even have been avoiding moonlight and light bulbs,” adding that “I haven’t washed my hair in a month and am allowing its natural essence to keep in place.”

“I just abhor make-up you know, it just clogs your pores, so I don’t have any of that on tonight either.”

“When I approach (French Design House) Lavin about a covering to wear to the event, they dreamt up this rather fussy gown that was really form-fitting and had lots of fussy things going on – like sleeves. I had to take them to a fabric store and show them how the polyester imitation black velvet is draped on the bolt for show. So they draped me right there, borrowed a stapler from the desk and this is it. Its really lovely isn’t it?”

Unlike other actresses who donate their gowns for charity, Swinton will retain ownership of the velvet bag. “I think it will be a smart look for grocery shopping, don’t you?”

In other news, Swinton also won the Academy Award for her portrayal of Jody Foster in the movie Michael Clayton, meaning that she has a whole year to figure out what she will wear to the 81st Academy Award ceremony where she will present the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor.

Personal tools