UnNews:Tigers' pitcher Rogers caught using restroom without washing hands

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24 October 2006

Rogers pitcher assault

A frightened and disgusted cameraman sways to avoid becoming tagged by feces.

DETROIT, Michigan -- Kenny Rogers of Country Music and Baseball fame has recently been caught with something on his pitching hand during a playoff game. It was first discovered by a Fox News cameraman who was taping the game and had a clear view of Rogers' palm. "There was weird stuff on his palm", said the cameraman. "It looked sort of brownish and filmy."

Further review of film from earlier in the game revealed that the origin of the substance on Rogers' hand was the restroom; he was seen exiting the dugout latrine, and his team mates later remarked that they heard a flush, but no sink.

"I heard the toilet go, but I didn't hear any other running water. You'd be surprised how often this kind of thing happens in baseball", remarked one team mate who requested to remain anonymous.

Rogers was called back into the dugout and told to wash his hands, since the team would be going out for dinner after the game. It is disputable as to whether Rogers used hand soap, or merely rinsed his hands quickly.

This incident goes beyond hygiene, however. The possibility that Rogers may have applied the feces to the ball remains an issue. Throwing a "Shit-ball", as it is called in baseball slang, has been illegal ever since "Stinky Pete" Arnolds of the Pittsburgh Pirates invented the pitch, and was notorious for his shit-covered balls, both on and off the field. If Rogers is found guilty of applying dookie to the ball in order to put extra spin on his pitches, he may be ejected form the playoffs and given a court-order to carry hand sanitizer at all times for a probationary period of his next full season.

Rogers and the official Detroit Tigers spokesman have claimed that the substance on Rogers' hand was merely dirt. However, there is much suspiscion regarding the nature of the substance. The St. Louis Cardinals manager, Tony La Russa, commented on what he thought of the stain, and replied, "I don't believe it was dirt, didn't look like dirt."

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