UnNews:Tiger quietly plans to devour infant
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Tiger quietly plans to devour infant
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 06:57:UTC)(
22 August 2008
BROOKFIELD, Illinois: At the local Brookfield Zoo last Thursday, beloved tiger Ruffles spent his time from approximately 2:50 to 2:55 P.M. planning the vicious murder of two year old Jeremy Smalls, who was being held over the bars at the tiger pit by his mother.
The mother and child attracted the tiger's attention when their loud ruckus caused him to wake from his nap. "I'm sleeping, right?", Ruffles said with disdain, "And I hear this little kid just laughing, really obnoxiously, and his mom's yelling, 'Look at the big kitty! Aww, look at him, isn't he so cute?' I am not a fucking kitty, thank you very much. I am a vicious, merciless killer, not your stupid, impotent housecat."
Mrs. Smalls proceeded to lift Jeremy up to rest on the protective bar that surrounds the tiger pit, still pointing and shouting at Ruffles. "Let's see if we can wake him up," she told Jeremy excitedly. "Here, kitty kitty kitty! Oh, look, Jeremy, he moved! Look at him! He's just like a big version of our cat, isn't he? Oh, yes he is!"
Ruffles commented that he believed that the child may have been some sort of sacrifice in order to curry favor. "Drop him," he reportedly repeated, watching the mother and child intensely. "Just drop him down here. You know you want to, just...let...go."
Though Ruffles had never encountered an infant child before, he expressed his thorough belief that he could easily murder and devour the child after he had been dropped into the pit. "I mean, maybe he's got some special skill that's not obvious just by looking at him," said the tiger. "I'm not stupid. In the wild, there's these frogs that have poison inside them. But I'm pretty sure that little kid's got no defenses whatsoever. Besides, after a fall like that, any animal's gonna be severely weakened. And the weakened ones are just more delicious."
While the tiger was disappointed when Jeremy and his mother moved on to go look at some of the "darling little monkeys," Ruffles expects that eventually, his chance will finally come. "There's always humans just shrieking at me, twenty four seven." he said. "Clearly, they're not that intelligent. Eventually, one of them will climb in to pet the 'nice, friendly kitty'. That's when I'll get 'em, the loud little bastards." Until that day arrives, Ruffles has announced his plans to sleep, eat, and do his best to ignore the incessant shouts of small, thrilled children who cannot seem to believe that there is a fucking tiger in the zoo.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|