UnNews:Tiger Woods to resume career

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Tiger Woods to resume career

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8 September 2016


Woods hopes to return to the fairway and find good things to "hop" upon.

JUPITER ISLAND, Florida -- Continual record-holder Tiger Woods has declared that his health is restored, and that he is ready to return to his careers in both golfing and infidelity.

Woods announced on his website that his return to competition will begin on October 13 at the Safeway Open, with a brief stop at the Safeway supermarket for quickies with two or maybe three cashiers.

He also hopes to play in the Turkish Open in November, and later at an event called the Tiger Woods Invitational where contestants need only provide their vital statistics and a brief note from their gynecologists.

Woods added that his plans are not yet definite. "Whether I can play depends on my continued progress and recovery. My hope is to have my game ready to go."

Woods's dual careers in golf and infidelity took a simultaneous downturn around 2010, and he took time off to count his money — such of it as trophy ex-wife Elin Nordegren had not secured in alimony and child support. Woods has broken numerous golf records, including newly created records of consecutive weeks holding records, and even more arbitrary records of duration of past streaks of records of consecutive records, which would never be kept on anyone except a total has-been about whom there is nothing real to report.

And yet, if Woods were to succeed in a reboot of his career, it could spawn a cottage industry in new statistics, such as records of consecutive notching of records on both sides of a multi-year hiatus caused by a monumental indiscretion.

Woods last competed at the 2015 Wyndham, where he finished T minus 10. Finishing ten minutes before his own tee time was only possible by walking from the first tee directly into the clubhouse for "a quick shag," and he was not heard from since, until this latest rebound attempt.

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