UnNews:Tiger Woods kicks off 2010 Contrition Tour
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21 February 2010
In the press conference, which had everything except the press, Woods read a prepared statement with remarkable insincerity. It admitted marital infidelity, disclosed key new details (that there had been "more than one" liaison), and denied that his cuckolded wife came after him with a nine-iron.
Woods deviated from the script in order to muse about Buddhist concepts of Stoicism and frugality, from the deck of his yacht, Privacy. The mention of the weird foreign religion reassured many in the audience that at least Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton won't join the sideshow with hokey claims of providing religious counseling. Woods said he did not know when he would return to golf, but added with a wink that "I don't rule out that it will be this year."
PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem said, "Good. It's over, then. We can now go back to embracing Tiger as a role model for our kids, as a golfer whose superhuman control of his body and ability to tune out distractions makes him ice on the 18th hole, and as a man whose unique racial mix means he won't be just another African American horn-dog athlete always working on a new babe."
Four wire services--The Associated Press, Reuters, Bloomberg, and UnNews--were allowed into the TPC Sawgrass clubhouse to observe Woods's talk via closed-circuit TV. The UnNews reporter shouted out a cynical question, but Woods did not hear it.
What kind of support will Woods get from fellow golfers? Sergio Garcia said. "I'm actually excited to see him back. It's like my neighbor with the noisy grunge band in his garage: The worse he acts, the more I know I can get away with."