UnNews:Thunderbirds seek black pilots

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Thunderbirds seek black pilots

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Saturday, March 24, 2018, 01:07:59 (UTC)

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5 March 2016


Three of the Thunderbirds, obviously far too white to be convincing to a transformational nation.

NELLIS AFB, Nevada -- The U.S. Air Force is looking for new stunt pilots — and Irish Need Not Apply. Brigadier General Chris Short, commander of the 57th Wing here, complained by email that the famous Thunderbirds stunt-flying squad needs more pilots that "don't look like you."

"I am asking for your help in finding the right pilots for next year’s team," he wrote. "I am lacking the depth in talent of previous years and I am lacking in diversity of gender and ethnicity." He did not specify whether talent or skin color would be the higher priority. The Thunderbirds daredevils fly in close formation and might be perturbed if one glanced into the next cockpit and got the impression the janitor were flying it.

Gen. Short wrote that "pilots may have the ability to reach our audiences that don’t necessarily look like each of you," depending on his audience to brush off the implication that they make racist decisions based on superficial appearances. Or spend the next month paring potatoes.

All eight of the current Air Force Demonstration Squadron are white males, as are 14 of the 15 applicants for next year's team. Gen. Short reminded his readers of the days of Caroline "Blaze" Jensen. "Being a female pilot allowed her to make connections none of the other pilots were able to do," he wrote, and she attracted the longest lines of autograph hounds, although she couldn't fly for crap. The reservist "did a great job of representing the AF" until that regrettable but crowd-pleasing fiery crash.

Gen. Short expressed the hope that putting a token Negro in the cockpit would let the team perform a dramatic overflight of Chicago's Trinity United Church and participate in a rope line later to win over the God-Damn-America crowd. He denied that he had ever said, "You know — Obama voters."

Gen. Short said few "diverse" pilots have signed up to become Thunderbirds at all, and asked his audience for "insights on why we are not getting the number of traditional applicants." He said it cannot have anything to do with restrictive rules of engagement, refusal of permission to fire at the enemy when the resulting explosion might warm the planet, and the possibility of being trapped by a mob of angry Arab youths enraged by a YouTube video and wondering whether a rescue team will arrive. It is probably something much simpler, like no watermelons in the cafeteria.

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