This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
25 March 2009
THERE IS AN INCREASED RISK terrorists could get hold of dirty pants, the Home Office has said. The assessment comes as Home Secretary Jacqui Smith unveiled a new UK strategy to tackle an evolved threat from used under-garments.
Ms Smith said the threat is "severe" - meaning the use of dirty underwear is "highly likely" and "could happen without warning".
Unnews toilet correspondent, Paulos Santos, said the threat posed by skid-marked, piss-stained and other soiled underpants "have always been something al-Qaeda have aspired to" but the report warns they are now within terrorists' grasp.
"There is a concern now among officials in the Home Office that the chances of them getting hold of a pair of poo marked Y-fronts have increased in a world of easy availability of soiled pants, bras and knickers"
He added that the greatest concern was not over an attack via a used pair of under-crackers "being wafted around a bit", but with a few pairs of "deliberately freshly soiled" pants which could contaminate a wide area and trigger panic.
Mrs Smith told Unnews of her particular concern at the lacksadasical security in the UKs 1000s of high street laundrettes: "We need to consider posting armed security at all public laundrettes to send a signal to the terrorists that want to acquire dirty underwear."
"Gone are the days when we can just leave a bin-liner with our shitty underwear for the attendant to process.".