UnNews:Thousands of people would rather wait in line at a fast food joint than donate to a cause they support directly, study says

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 We distort, you deride

6 August 2012

Chick-fil-A-protesters

Chicken is a commonly consumed poultry product in the United States.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- In restaurant chains across the nation, hundreds of thousands of people gathered this past week to wait in lines and see mere fractions of a cent of their money go to a desired cause.

The company in question, which donated approximately 2 million dollars in the same year it saw 4 billion in profits, has incited many American citizens to go out and spend their money at the eatery, around .05 cents to every dollar of which would go to a cause which sources say they are actually intending to support.

In addition to the sheer mathematical inconceivability of motivation reflected in these individuals, psychologists have been baffled by another element that should normally discourage such donors: the long wait. Polls show that some were willing to wait upwards of forty-five minutes to donate their tiny fractions of a cent to the cause they believed they were actually supporting. Normally, a wait this long would deter potential fast food patrons.

This curious psychological phenomenon, which some experts have labeled a "protest", has caused others to suspect mass hysteria.

"It's astonishing, really. I can't imagine what it's like for these people, to be so compelled to do something so fruitless," said psychology professor Richard James of the University of Wisconsin–Madison. "The only explanation I can think is that they have a deeply distorted sense of reality. This can perhaps be attributed to poor diet, which my research has linked with mental illness in the past."

Others hold contrasting theories as to an explanation for such behavior, the most popular being the "end product" hypothesis.

Professor Shannon Smiley of Brown University states: "There is a certain reward that is being offered in the form of a chicken sandwich. In some persons, the thought of chicken alone can provide impetus enough to endure such a pointless wait."

While the restaurant has seen record profits as a result of this event, the company has announced that it has no intention to raise amount of dollars they will be donating to the cause, leading to the amount of money donated for every chicken sandwich purchased more likely fall around .0003% rather than the initial .0005%.

In more recent developments, the apparent attempt at a protest was met by large groups of "counter-protesters" who, it seems, would rather sit around and make out with members of the same gender in a greasy fast food joint, than say, donate to opposing organizations or start a petition of some kind.

"What it all boils down to is: we've got a lot of people in this country with a lot of extra time on their hands," said one expert.

The incident has provided a stronger argument for Obama's new "make everyone in the country more busy" incentive.

edit Sources

Personal tools
projects