UnNews:Thousands of Egyptians call Gov. Walker "tyrant," flee Wisconsin
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
23 February 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- While union supporters, Wisconsin dissenters and street vendors looking for the mother lode all stream towards the capitol of Wisconsin, a caravan of cars crawls towards the airport, the tops of their wheels hidden from the overloaded interior, their drivers leaning on their car horns out of hurry and fear. They are Egypt-Americans, and they are heading home.
"We're going back. He [Governor Walker] turned off the internet," a man, who wished to remain anonymous out of fear for his family, told us, "I don't know how you Americans say this, but... Shit's going down."
Vividly reminded of recently deposed dictator Mubarak's attempts to quell Egypt's January rebellion by clamping down on internet and cell phone access, thousands of Egyptians residing in Wisconsin - some aliens, other with U.S. citizenship - have decided to return to their homeland. "We left because of Mubarak," one woman told us, "But now he's gone, and this Walker man is beginning to act just like him, so we think it'll be better in Cairo."
Details are scarce and rumors abound, but sources tell UnNews that not only was the pro-union website Defend Wisconsin shut down, but other major social networking sites, including Facebook, Twitter, MySpace and Uncyclopedia, were inaccessible for much of Monday and Tuesday throughout the capitol of Wisconsin, the city of Madison. The internet's other, less trafficked, sites are assumed to be down, as well, though no one has cared to check. Activists, as expected, blame the governor for blocking these important sites, which have been integral to their ability to gather in the capitol in such numbers. In addition to providing a platform to spread word of the rally and invite all of their Facebook friends to the event, such sites have also allowed them to tag photos and Tweet blockbuster lines like "WE'RE SHOUTING NOW" during it. While the administration's spokesperson, Carla Vigue, denied the allegations, photos have surfaced of the governor himself secretly urinating on the city's master router, mumbling to himself, "Take that, communist dogs, shake that off," over and over again.
The rest of Madison, the streets dark from the lack of internet, feels like a ghost town. Businesses are closed, schools empty, and windows shuttered, hiding individuals unable to update their Facebook statuses and World of Warcraft players softly crying, their scheduled raid taking place without them.
This emptiness, however, has been a boon to the fleeing Arab-Americans, some of whom have managed to navigate the empty side roads through the city instead of sitting, parked, on the clogged highway 90. "There's no one here," Ahmad el-Alawi told us while stopped at a red light, his car full of belongings and his family stuffed in the trunk, "We'll be able to make our flight to Chicago, and from there back to Alexandria, just as long as we don't get delayed for random screening, yes?"
These travelers leave unnoticed by everyone but a rally of two Tea-Party members, standing on a street corner with bullhorns and shouting at the passing cars to "Go home!" "Stop taking our money and jobs!" and "Damn Mexicans!" but they are soon in the rear view mirrors of these expatriates, looking for a home, and a better life, without being reminded of ex-president Mubarak.
- "Pro-Union Website 'Defend Wisconsin' Blocked In Capitol". Huffington Post, Feb. 22, 2011