UnNews:Thousand-foot penis defies authorities
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Thousand-foot penis defies authorities
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, December 1, 2015, 06:04:UTC)(
26 March 2009
Reading, UK--Authorities are baffled after discovering a 1000-foot long chalk drawing of a human penis over a 10km2 tract of farmland. The penis is esitimated to have been drawn approximately twelve years ago, according to official statements issued by Thames Valley Police.
This extrordinary act of defacement was discovered by Mr. Giles Tompkin, the owner of the land, after installing Google Earth on his home PC. "Well, I'd just finished checking out Ms. Jones-next-door's bedroom - some very interesting stuff in there, by the way - and I zoomed out to see all my land at once. Then I saw that some bastard had drawn a massive great cock all over my field. I was bloody damn annoyed, I can tell you that." When our reporters enquired as to why he had not spotted the penis before when working his land, he replied that he "never bothered" as it was "all automated, you know?"
The identity of the vandal was disclosed to our reporters this morning. Local police forces, after hearing of this unusual crime, immediately began spooling through the CCTV recordings for that date and soon located the previously-unmonitored footage of the act in question being carried out, revealing the perpetrator to be one Ben Cooper, an adolescent then residing in a local village. Sergeant John Thornton, a representative of the law, issued the following statement: "We have decided that in view of the evidence before us, Mr. Cooper's crime was not severe enough to warrant any further action. However, we would like to take this opportunity to state that any further law-braking on Ben's part will likely result in a polite but firm written warning asking him to refrain from criminal behaviour. Crime will not be tolerated."