UnNews:Thoreau leaves woods behind
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Thoreau leaves woods behind
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 19:30 (UTC)
7 April 2007
CONCORD, MA - Naturalist, philospher, and general megalomaniac Henry David Thoreau left Walden Pond today and vowed not to return. "This place sucks," said the existentialist. "I came to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. How the hell am I supposed to do that? There isn't a damned thing here!"
Thoreau had been living on the shores of Walden Pond in a cabin he built by himself for over two years. During that time, he spent his days cultivating a bean field, fighting woodchucks, and generally bitching and whining about anything that popped into his brain. "I can't take it anymore," said Thoreau during an exclusive UnNews interview. "There's nothing to do. I'm sick of beans. Even masturbation is no longer fun. I'm outta here."
Fellow existentialist, Ralph Waldo Emerson, had a different take on Thoreau's life in the woods. According to Emerson, "The whole thing was a tax dodge. Now that the IRS finally locked him up and got their money, he doesn't have to stay out there anymore. Don't listen to what he says."
When confronted with this information, Thoreau became violently angry. "That jerk? I came out here to get away from those assholes in Concord like Emerson. What does he know?" When asked about the future, he was sadly sedate. "I don't know what comes next. I guess I'll write a tell-all book and try to make some cash out of it. Honestly, this whole experiment has been a serious disapointment for everyone involved."
- H.D. Thoreau "[www.waldensux.com This place really bites]". Existential Press, Apr 7, 2007