UnNews:Thompson to announce press conference about another press conference
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Thompson to announce press conference about another press conference
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 11:23:UTC)(
31 August 2007
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WASHINGTON, DC -- Former senator and "Law & Order" star Fred Thompson held a press conference today to announce he will make announcements about future press conferences soon, at another press conference.
The 4pm conference in front of supporters and reporters had been eagerly awaited by those that wish for Thompson to run for President. "This is quite exciting," said fan Dan Trenton, "I can't wait to hear what he'll say about his planned September press conferences."
"I am pleased and excited to finally announce finally," Thompson said at the event, "That the upcoming September 6th press event will feature free beverages and extra chairs to accommodate the increasing interest in our announcement schedule. I don't want to give anything away, but members of the press would be wise to clear their calendars for the foreseeable future."
Mr. Thompson's press conferences have developed into full-fledged media affairs with all the bells & whistles of those held by heads of state. His PR spokesperson says upcoming ones even have regularly scheduled airtimes on network television. "And at his next press conference," the spokesperson added, "Mr. Thompson will reveal further improvements to his future press conferences."
Republican presidential candidates are envious of Mr. Thompson's media savvy. "When I hold a press conference," comments John McCain, "I have to talk about the issues I care about and my positions on them. This requires a lot of preparation. But Mr. Thompson, as a non-candidate, has the luxury of simply discussing his future press conferences." Most other candidates agree, with the exception of front-runner Mitt Romney, whose office said the former Massachusetts Governor "will hold a press conference to discuss Mr. Thompson's press conferences in more detail." Thompson's aides have already scheduled a rebuttal conference.
As the press conference schedule picks up in anticipation of January's first primaries, Fred Thompson's increasingly numerous appearances are expected to eventually meld into one never-ending event. But officially, his staff was tight-lipped about this possibility, explaining that they "don't want to pre-empt Mr. Thompson's announcement at his next press conference."
Thompson is yet to even mention anything related to running for President in any of his press conferences, but everyone assumes that is his eventual goal. "It would be quite a stunner if it isn't," mused Democratic rival Hillary Clinton, "but maybe Thompson is actually planning to run for Senator again?" Others hypothesize that Thompson's spectacular press conferences may be a marketing ploy for the upcoming season of his popular show "Law & Order."
"Yeah, It's a bit theatrical," said republican voter Linus Tompkins, who attended the event, "But when you think about it, isn't a bullshit artist who prefers playing the media like a fiddle to actual governance really what America is looking for in a leader?"
- AFP "Fred Thompson to announce White House run September 6". AFP, August 30, 2007