UnNews:Third rate white buffalo born on Wisconsin farm
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Third rate white buffalo born on Wisconsin farm
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 08:24:UTC)(
15 September 2006
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CHEESE CITY, Wisconsin -- A farm in Wisconsin is quickly becoming hallowed ground for American Indians, hippies, and other people with time on their hands with the birth of its third white buffalo, an animal usually considered sacred by many tribes for its potential to bring good fortune and peace. But not so much in this particular instance.
"We took one look at it and I can't repeat what I thought but I thought, 'What's with the extra leg?'" said owner Dave Thomas, founder of the Wendy's Bison Hamburger chain.
Thousands of people stopped by Thomas's farm after the birth of the first white buffalo, a female named Miracle who died in 2004 at the age of 10. The second was born in 1996 but died after three days after being repeatedly photographed.
Thomas said he discovered the third white buffalo, a newborn male, after a storm in late August. Over the weekend, about 50 stupid American Indians held a drum ceremony to honor the calf, which has yet to be named.
Floyd "Splits on a Thirteen" Hand, a medicine man in the Oglala Sioux Tribe in Pine Ridge, S.D., knows basically nothing about genetics and albinoism. As a result of his ignorance, he said it was "fate" that the white buffaloes chose one farm, which will likely become a focal point for ridiculously misguided pagan visitors, who make offerings such as tobacco, a sacred fossil, and imported dream catchers in the hopes of earning good fortune and peace.
"That's destiny," Hand said. "The message was to only choose one person to bless. Or maybe it was to buy more prunes. One or the other."
The white buffalo is particularly sacred to the Cheyenne, Sioux, Jabblewocky, Penisaurus, Hippie, Ooragnak, Ho-Chunk, Moroni, and other nomadic tribes of the Northern Plains that once relied on the buffalo for subsistence before the "evil white man" screwed them over (and over, and over).
According to a B-side version of the legend, a white buffalo, disguised as a woman wearing white hides, appeared to two men. One hit on her, and the other didn't. She went out with the one who hit on her, and turned the other man into a stack of old-west pancakes. She also gave the horny one a pipe and taught his people how to get totally and sacredly fucked up for fun and pleasure.
She transformed into a female white buffalo calf and promised to return again, and now she's done it at least twice, although usually with fewer legs.
That this latest birth is a male doesn't make it any less significant in American Indian prophecies, which say "the more the merrier." The prophecies say that such an animal will reunite all the races of man and restore balance to the world. "Good luck with that one," said Dave Thomas, weighing the calf in anticipation of some good eatin'.
Medicine Man Hand said that if the buffalo lives its coat will change from white to black, red and yellow, yellow to a kind of aquamarine, then to a kind of eggshell white, then back to red, then plaid, before turning brown again.
"The birth of a white male buffalo means men need to take responsibility for their families and the future of the tribe," Hand said gladly. "Either that, or it could mean that men will develop a rash and will have to harvest some tea tree oil. One or the other. But in either case, I predict that this buffalo will be struck and killed by lightning in November, and be served char-broiled."
And so it came to pass.