UnNews:Third Coming of Jesus Christ Prophesised!
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Third Coming of Jesus Christ Prophesised!
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 26, 2017, 09:22:UTC)(
6 March 2007
Malmö, Sweden -- Roman Catholics (and everything else) have been flocking to the South of Sweden, where local Ikea™ fat pack designer Lars Larson went into a coma three days ago, and began prophesising the return of all humanity’s saviour, after an almost two millennia break from the music industry.
Grannies everywhere have not been this excited since Tom Jones announced his world wide tour last July. (Which happened to sell out in a record 2 hours worldwide!) The big question on everybody’s lips in the music industry is “Will Jesus be able to knock Take That off the top spot?”
As we all know, or at least should know, Take That are back again, because they needed more money. So after a twenty-odd year break they returned, and since then have had the population of the United Britons bopping along to their catchy tunes in dance halls across the fair Kingdoms. Virgin Records™ have announced Jesus’ new single “I’m Called Jesus, Here’s My Record” will be available for download from March 25th and released in stores on April 1st. The Virgin Records™ spokesperson claimed that Virgin Records™ is currently in discussions with Jesus, and there is a strong possibility of a new album later in the year.