UnNews:Third "Atlas" movie hurtles toward cinema
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Third "Atlas" movie hurtles toward cinema
A newsstand that's brimming with issues
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 04:35:UTC)(
19 May 2014
HOLLYWOOD, California -- Self-financed moviemaker John Aglialoro is about to roll out the third installment of his Atlas Shrugged trilogy, with his signature touch of a cast bearing no resemblance to the actors in the previous installments.
Atlas Shrugged: Part III promises the viewer a feeling of relief, at having gotten through another large piece of the ponderous 1957 novel.
Aglialoro told actors' newspaper Politico that the time pressure of the first two episodes would be gone. They were timed to coincide with political events in the United States, but the dystopian movie could neither propel Mitt Romney to electoral victory nor even convince many Americans to sign up for Obama-care. Now, he says, the producers are free to make a tedious, didactic movie without time constraints.
The all-new cast for the second movie was blamed on the fact that Taylor Schilling went on to become a "good actress" capable of commanding big money. Aglialoro explained that the relatively unattractive actors for Part II better resembled the treacherous corporate board-room. Pulling the same stunt again for Part III was because the Part II cast was unwilling to cool their heels until a "crowd-sourcing" campaign and Aglialoro's other investments earned the $20 million needed for the final installment.
The only remaining conflict is the insistence of fans — both of them — that the movie be obsessively faithful to the book. A letter-writing campaign has already protested that the D'Anconia cocktail-party sermon — that money is not "the root of all evil" but the "spoonful of sugar [that] helps the medicine [of government] go down" — was cut short of the original twenty minutes. Aglialoro, who once quipped that Atlas Shrugged III would be "a musical," now says that that is simply how objectivists "make a joke." Nevertheless, Part III would be where hero John Galt makes a speech to an entire, rapt nation that takes up 50 pages in the paperback. A faithful rendition would render any moviegoers unable even to notice a fire alarm in the cinema and would limit the feature film to a single showing per week. Aglialoro won't say how he plans to handle this dilemma.
He does admit that the mainstream media will pan Part III. "We’re not going to get critics coming on board," he said. "The MSNBC crowd doesn't like us." Aglialoro explains that the media are too in-the-tank for President Obama to appreciate a legitimately bad movie.