UnNews:Thematrixeatsyou on the run from everyone
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18 October 2006
NEW ZEALAND - Many people have complained about Uncyclopedia user thematrixeatsyou, whom they claim to be "a pain in the ass." The first complaint appeared on 6 October 2006 NZDT after somebody was browsing through UnNews and read the report on Oxford University patenting the English language. Complaints have been appearing more and more frequently, and it is only a matter of time before thematrixeatsyou gets on the international Most Unwanted list.
Paul Holmes made a mention on his radio programme this morning, in a seemingly frustrated mood: "That cheeky darkie is the most shocking citizen in the whole count......ry." An old woman from Auckland with Alzheimer's wrote to Close Up on TV One: "That man is shocking. I don't believe he is any use to us. What was it again? Oh, that man is shocking. I don't believe he is any use..." According to the Government NZ Citizens register, thematrixeatsyou has been listed as "a complete dick, with nothing constructive to say."
Exposing a top-secret bill to make tobacco exempt from the smoking ban has caused a riot in the parliament chamber. Helen Clark of the Labour Party made a mention that thematrixeatsyou is "being a typical Pakeha employed by National to make [Labour] look bad." Chickens are also complaining that their new scientific study was ridiculed by thematrixeatsyou by placing it on UnNews. One chicken, in an interview, states: "I hope he gets some of that Chicanol in him."
Another riot occurred among the PPTA(Post Primary Teachers' Association), when he reported a cure for insomnia, as he seemed to insult the English teachers by making the subject look bad. "I was shocked as I read this," quoted one English teacher. "It made me think: am I really that bad? Then I hear from a journalist that [thematrixeatsyou] is full of excrement." Also, James Smith was frustrated at what he called "a crock of shit about his carpark." The article has dulled the atmosphere of the carpark building, and weekly sales have dropped by nearly 10 percent.
But the reports have also caused controversy overseas. After a bogus report on a man arrested for using American tomato sauce was revealed, many Americans have complained, stating that the fictitious report was "lies, racism, and bullshit, just like [thematrixeatsyou]." George W. Bush has also stepped in, saying "We need to advance further on the war on terrible news reports. Thematrixeatsyou is a terrible journalist." However, this did not impact as much as his most controversial report yet: Hip-hop loses classification as music.
Due to the alleged declassification of hip-hop, many brown people have rioted against this news report. Several attempts to stop this report, including blanking, adding, and general vandalism failed, due to the revert function. In the end, Reverend Zim ulator protected the page from any outside edits. This decision was a very painful decision, and there is now a hunt to find the UnNews Headquarters.
A major riot throughout the developed world has developed; most people are trying to find thematrixeatsyou, except Uncyclopedians, who don't care.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|